the amazing adventures of dietgirl

my friend loaned the book: the amazing adventures of dietgirl to me.

it was a great read...i recommend it to ANYONE who has ever struggled with their body image/weight. it's fantastic insight to the thoughts we torture ourselves with...we who hate our bodies.

i have decided that tonight...i am laying to rest my horrible thoughts of my body...i have yet to purchase a swimming suit and take my darling kiddos to the pool...beyond my backyard kiddie pool. it doesn't help that i have been running for almost a year...and am still at the same weight i started???? but it's not about the number on the scale...haven't i blogged this before? what's my problem?

my problem is lack of self-discipline and consistency. i am an extremest. i am extremely devoted or extremely back-slidden. this personality flaw seeps into every area of my life. for once, i am living a balanced life. my house is mostly clean, my dinners have been primarily healthy and home cooked, my Bible has actually been read, we have had family devotionals almost everyday for over a week, our budget is actually...mostly on paper!!, OA and i are clicking, i am trusting that he loves me...that i am love-able...and even bigger...i am trusting that i love him! it's downright scary...balance.

but my family is flourishing...obtaining balance is far more rewarding than my magical number on the scale (which...i must brag...i almost never weigh anymore!!)...stupid scales...tonight...i am forcing myself to admit: i love how strong i feel when i run. i love the way the salty sweat stings my eyes causing me to have to do a weird-finger-flick-eye-squint movement during my run. i owe it to my body to cherish its ability to carry me onward...instead of constantly cursing its imperfections...do i want to lose my upper-bum? yes...but in due time darlings...in due time...right now...i'd just like to celebrate that i have considerably less bum cheeks than 2 years ago!! along with the opportunity of savoring every single minute of each and every moment!

day 5, 6, 7...oh who really cares!!??

so sick granola = derailed granola...

well...i can say the run with my sole sistah AND my british love...was divine! i begged for them to walk in the beginning and then i guess the tylenol kicked in, and i ended up sprinting...boom boom pow by black eyed peas always gets me going!!

i'm not in the mood for fat reduction talk...tonight i simply want to ask for prayer. prayer that i will not let the best of mermaid's behavior get to me...that i will not yell at her when at my wit's end...that i can calmly, kindly, lovingly, yet FIRMLY discipline her when needed. i don't beat my children...but occasionally...i think my words might as well...and i always apologize...but...i am tired of my behavior. don't get me wrong...i am far from abusive...but...i am not acting like the Godly mother that i should. i owe Him more than that...and my children...esp my daughter.

6 months ago i had thoughts so terrible no mother would admit to...so God has delivered us from more than anyone will ever know...whatever was going on with merminator...it made autism look simple...piece of cake...gfcfsf of course...it's a hard road...when you don't relate/enjoy your child...a very hard road. sigh...more moms need to admit to those moments...and then fight like hell to make them go away.

i cannot believe for one minute that i allow bitterness towards our special diet...i cannot believe for one minute that strangers would question when they have no idea about...i cannot believe for one minute that more and more parents with children who are struggling with extreme anger and behavior problems aren't being told: look at their diet!!!!

sigh...day 7 of fat reduction...i want more than reduced fat molecules...i want bigger spiritual muscles...much bigger relationship with Him...and a huge zapper...so that every time i put something that has gluten, casein, or soy near my mouth...it would electrocute me...as i do believe my not watching what i eat severely affects my not watching what i say or how i say it...deepest sigh...how thankful am i to serve a Merciful and Gracious yet Sovereign God!

day 4...sickly

so the eating part is easy: watermelon, handfuls of stripey chips, ummmmm...a couple of left over potatoes and a few bites of roast...lots of fluids...and now i am forcing a hemp, black cherry, emergen-C, OJ smoothie...

yeppers...i've finally caught the fever that my little ones have so lovingly shared with their mama!

so i didn't run today, but i did completely clean and reorganized the kiddos room. they requested that i move their furniture around (prob bc i do it so often-great therapy for j-bob!!). we got rid of many many toys. i am big on down-sizing. no room for "stuff". i hate it...i have gotten pretty good at only keeping the necessities. every 3 months i go through this "nesting" and get rid of more things. poor OA. last week i re-did the living room and moved our room around. it's my thing...my thing i do...have done...will always do...i think it lends itself to my moving no less than 20 times in the same city before i was 20!

so today i am eating very little, drinking much, and not doing any exercise.

i plan on homeschooling the kiddos through the summer...yes, i'm back on that again. i will remind everyone...it's a dream i have dreamed since j-bob was in utero...but i am so scared to pull j-man from the very place he has bloomed...i mean...BLOOMED. so we shall give it a go this summer...mainly bc his teacher suggested we keep up a tight schedule and not rest on his reading and hand writing. she doesn't want him to lose ground. i love her. she has rocked our lives...sigh. oh...and the other dream i have dreamed is finishing school...deeper sigh...so what's a granola mama to do when her dreams collide? i rest on my husband...but i think dear OA is ready for some financial assistance...peace...get ahead. i owe that to him...we have scraped for the last 6 years...in my defense...i worked...and i mean WORKED...until we came to AR...i brought the j-bob to work then opened my own home daycare when mermaid was 3 weeks old...that's an entirely different blog topic...let's just say...i don't remember much of mermaid's birth until last year!

tomorrow...i run with my sistah...fever or no fever!

day 3...confessions

can i just say...barely audible...i am soo sore!!!! so very sore...it hurts to...breathe! who knew a 20 sec plank...no that was not a typo...i said second...not minute!!

today started off nicely with a hemp smoothie...can i just say...i don't care how granola you are...it takes a bit of...tweaking...to like hemp milk...but when a sistah can't have soy...

which leads me to my next confession...i had a soy latte...i had been 2 and 1/2 days coffee free...yesterday was a killer in the fake energy level...but the burning of my skin to the point of near tears...a lesson in why i have to give up soy...altogether...sigh.

i hate to confess that i...the very bad derailed vegan...ate 3 of those mini burgers from burger king...YIKES...i am embarrassed to say it...we are regulars at BK...talk about confessions...they are the only fast food that has gfcf french fries and burger patties...and it's the granola mama treat when i am feeling like being a bad granola mama...(and sometimes...when i am really feeling rebellious...i throw away paper and plastic...shhhhh...you'll only hear that once!)

ok...so for tonight's dinner...the kiddos are having sweet potato french fries and mermaid will also have slice of turkey...i...i am not even sort of hungry...my skin burns...my head hurts...and i feel like cow carcass...i guess i am what i eat...but is BK really qualified as cow meat? so lots of water...and OA is away thumping up the perfect watermelon (and i am telling on him...he bought himself a frozen pizza and candy!! that man is some kinda addicted to chemicals...i think he is rebelling his wife)!

as for exercise...AYE AYE AYE...we are going to do push ups, plank, and general ab stuff...that should be fun...seeing as it hurts to pee or tie my shoes!!!

tomorrow...i plan to get my run in! wish me luck!!

day 2 of fat reduction

ok...i must confess something from yesterday's blog post...as i was falling asleep the horrible images of incredibly delish coconut ice cream came a dancin' in my head...so add that to the "snack" area of yesterday's eatings.

today...i started my morning off by making pancakes (on the same griddle nanny gave the OA and i for our wedding!!), getting a roast/potatoes/carrots in the crock pot, making j-bob's last lunch of the year (for school anyhow), getting j-man ready and off to school, throwing on non-bum-eating shorts and going for a quick 3 miler in the horrid humidity to honor national running day.

sheesh...that was all before 9 am. then i had to run said last lunch by the school as the j-meister forgot it at home...and off to substitute at my daughter's rocking montessori preschool...which she could not go-with as she was still running fever...

home by 1:30...just in time for OA to pass the baton of child-rearing off to me...which included j-bob's friend who is staying for a sleepover! the first sleepover of our career...i am not sure who is having more fun: mermaid or j-bob!? i have never heard so much laughter!! i am sitting in amazement...from the sheer bliss of his interaction (the friend is actually demanding for HIM to play a video game while j wants to play...!!??), his fantastic report card to include a high level reading status, and the incredible vast amount of ground that has been covered by my entire family this very year.

six months ago...i would've predicted that OA and i would have never made it this far...and if we did...we would never be happy...but it is totally incredible when you step outside yourself and allow God to take over...it has been a rough yet rewarding year. i wonder what the summer holds...?

as for fat reduction: 3 mile run...few bites of j's sugar-bread pancake, smoothie, 2 tiny gfcf cookies, apple and pb, and chuck roast/pots/carrots that would make a cow slap a vegetarian it was so good!! i have to admit...for about 30 mins...i was happy my body required that i eat meat again...i am quite sure this cow was happy to give her life...well...i can't go that far...it causes me to tear up and have anxiety over cow-death...geez...i had to go there...now i have the after-taste of carcass and fear in my throat...

my body is extremely sore!! extremely!! and during my run i decided...the problem with my weight-non-loss issues is that it's always been about the number on the scale...i'm over that...today...i just want to feel good...about the bum, the thigh-rubbing aunties (anne lamott...so have to read her books!), and my upper bum (2nd set of cheeks)...and lower bum (3rd set of cheeks)...today...i dreamed of making fergie jealous...HAHA...hey every granola has her dreams...mine include organic garden, endless access to flowers for my yard, recovery of all ASD, and a body like fergies...i mean...do you expect me to be deep all the time??