Permanency

Today Spider-man and I counted down the days to the long anticipated "ADOPTION DAY".

13...thirteen days.

The fact that he threw his arms around my waist and breathed a heavy sigh of relief illustrates the tremendous change that has overcome our Little Man since the termination hearing. I am still baffled by his reaction that day. He promptly burst into tears and after several minutes of all of us crying with him he exclaims through spit and snot, "Now I can't marry Mermaid". I don't know if any of us have ever laughed so hard? He's been fine ever since he has realized this means a lifetime of sibling connectedness to his "love". Permanency looks and feels good on all of us.

Normally, just as I had with past court dates, I'd be breathing deep, making mental notes, preparing for things that are always subject to change. But this month I have a different date circled on my calendar.

7...seven days.

In seven days I go back to the dermatologist to have a lovely little tumor in my leg removed. A few weeks ago, after a big fit on my husband's part I went to my PCP. She got me into a dermatologist by the end of the week. That kinda freaked me out, but I didn't really give much thought until the day of the visit. They cut it off and sent me on my way saying don't worry unless my phone rings from them in a week.

My phone rang in one week and one day.

So I'm going in seven days to have a wide excision; I'm praying they can get it all and have some answers sooner than my two week follow up stitch-removal.

Pre-Adoption, Pre-Foster, Pre-Failed-Adoption Heather would have seen this coming a million miles away. All happiness and good things in life are rewarded with loss, pain, suffering. I had conditioned myself (I guess?) to associate good times with rug-ripping bad to follow. But these last two years, I have lost that person somewhere along the way? She drowned in the intensity of all that is required to just-survive-today.

Then she started training for a 100M trail run. And she learned real fast about the importance of "staying in the now". Otherwise it's miserable. Too much. Overwhelming. And then there's the beauty of the pain that is learning to be danced with, the running alongside astounding views, and the breathing it all in beside incredible people (ain't no peeps like my trail peeps).

And something clicked.

Or maybe it was the huge throw-down that I had with God? And He has revealed Himself and proven His goodness---despite it all---to me over, over, over, over.

But something has definitely clicked.

So now I am anticipating good news? Not living in constant fear? Barely even having to push negative thoughts aside? But that kind of scares me. It makes me feel as if I am not being humble enough? Maybe too assumptive? I have the same struggle with *knowing* I can complete my first 100M without ever having toed one step beyond 32M.

I won't be completing the 100M that I've been training for. I will still have stitches. I can't even start. It kind of makes me sick. A DNS (did not start) is so much worse in my mind that a DNF (did not finish). Explains a lot about my personality. Ugh. Anyhow...what I CAN do is go serve the others who can start it and hopefully pace my dear friend in for her last 16 miles.

No matter what happens in seven days...I know that UNEXPLAINABLE MOUNTAINS were moved for the two children who will legally become ours in thirteen days to have even graced our doorstep. And then to have remained. And then...despite it all...it all ended up just as it should.

So, I guess I just have Faith. The kind that's had to walk through fire. I can say that trusting Him with my life is much easier than trusting Him with my babies. If I'm being honest, that's the only time I find myself in a dark hole. I don't want them to worry, to see me weak, or to lose feelings of safety and permanence.

Because let me tell ya, permanency looks and feels good on all of us.

"I have loved you with an everlasting love." Jeremiah 31:3

Ain't nothing more permanent than that...

listening to God...brown paper bag

so...i am realizing more and more...how i have only been half listening to God for many years now...probably because the cries and screams of infants and toddlers coupled with the extreme lack of sleep...drowned out most every one's voice. i will never forget sitting (more like-slumping over) a table at a woman's conference after having j-bob. we were supposed to "get to know" each other. the other ladies were dressed nicely, fresh make-up, smiles. i was still wearing yesterday's clothes in which i had slept in...probably had make-up from the following week smudged here and there...and my face was far from smiling a real smile. i just wanted: SLEEP. this sweet unsuspecting lady turned and looked at me went on and on about how often she did devotionals and which ones she did...

then asked: so where/when do you do your devotionals?? (insert her big perky well intentioned grin)

me: (insert my guilt-ridden-blushing-shocked-face)...ummm...on the toilet...?

i mean really moms...there are seasons in our life...and my good friend who happened to also be the wife of a preacher...my preacher...well...he is far from a "preacher"...more like an amazing teacher of the Word...ANYHOW...i confided to her one morning that i was failing miserably as a mom because i never read my Bible. she looked at me with the kindest eyes and reminded me to stop worrying...spend as much time with God as i could...and that doesn't HAVE to be in the form of a "scheduled" devotional...

today...i get what she was saying. those early years (and here is where the brown paper bag comes in...for me to breathe in...because...I AM PAST THOSE YEARS...BIGGEST-SOB-SIGH-SNOT-BUBBLE-SOB...and onto a new season with my kiddos) i learned more about the Heart and Grace and Mercy of God than i have my entire life. being a mom is exhausting...takes you to the brink...and then some...and without God...would have left me sucking my thumb in the fetal position with the covers pulled up over my head.

but because of God...i have been shown so much about what unconditional love, patience, prayer, faith, and trust really and truly look like. i am pretty sure all of those things are personified in the heart and eyes of my precious kiddos. and because of those precious kiddos...and the daddy i have lusted, loved, hated, cursed, loved, and once again lusted (yes marriage is a whole separate blog!), the most amazing daddy i have ever seen...working together through all things said: family.

if you are a new mom...hold tight to these years...you will soon miss sleepless nights...crying with your infant bc you cannot soothe them...diapers...BREASTFEEDING...the way those precious angels latch on...and you...YOU...are giving them all they need to survive...it's so incredible...being a mom...and as much as i desperately cherish those memories...i am excited about (yet brown bag is still close by) what God has for this season. the season of questions, recovery, personality, and learning.

*sigh*sigh*sigh*sigh

the amazing adventures of dietgirl

my friend loaned the book: the amazing adventures of dietgirl to me.

it was a great read...i recommend it to ANYONE who has ever struggled with their body image/weight. it's fantastic insight to the thoughts we torture ourselves with...we who hate our bodies.

i have decided that tonight...i am laying to rest my horrible thoughts of my body...i have yet to purchase a swimming suit and take my darling kiddos to the pool...beyond my backyard kiddie pool. it doesn't help that i have been running for almost a year...and am still at the same weight i started???? but it's not about the number on the scale...haven't i blogged this before? what's my problem?

my problem is lack of self-discipline and consistency. i am an extremest. i am extremely devoted or extremely back-slidden. this personality flaw seeps into every area of my life. for once, i am living a balanced life. my house is mostly clean, my dinners have been primarily healthy and home cooked, my Bible has actually been read, we have had family devotionals almost everyday for over a week, our budget is actually...mostly on paper!!, OA and i are clicking, i am trusting that he loves me...that i am love-able...and even bigger...i am trusting that i love him! it's downright scary...balance.

but my family is flourishing...obtaining balance is far more rewarding than my magical number on the scale (which...i must brag...i almost never weigh anymore!!)...stupid scales...tonight...i am forcing myself to admit: i love how strong i feel when i run. i love the way the salty sweat stings my eyes causing me to have to do a weird-finger-flick-eye-squint movement during my run. i owe it to my body to cherish its ability to carry me onward...instead of constantly cursing its imperfections...do i want to lose my upper-bum? yes...but in due time darlings...in due time...right now...i'd just like to celebrate that i have considerably less bum cheeks than 2 years ago!! along with the opportunity of savoring every single minute of each and every moment!

day 5, 6, 7...oh who really cares!!??

so sick granola = derailed granola...

well...i can say the run with my sole sistah AND my british love...was divine! i begged for them to walk in the beginning and then i guess the tylenol kicked in, and i ended up sprinting...boom boom pow by black eyed peas always gets me going!!

i'm not in the mood for fat reduction talk...tonight i simply want to ask for prayer. prayer that i will not let the best of mermaid's behavior get to me...that i will not yell at her when at my wit's end...that i can calmly, kindly, lovingly, yet FIRMLY discipline her when needed. i don't beat my children...but occasionally...i think my words might as well...and i always apologize...but...i am tired of my behavior. don't get me wrong...i am far from abusive...but...i am not acting like the Godly mother that i should. i owe Him more than that...and my children...esp my daughter.

6 months ago i had thoughts so terrible no mother would admit to...so God has delivered us from more than anyone will ever know...whatever was going on with merminator...it made autism look simple...piece of cake...gfcfsf of course...it's a hard road...when you don't relate/enjoy your child...a very hard road. sigh...more moms need to admit to those moments...and then fight like hell to make them go away.

i cannot believe for one minute that i allow bitterness towards our special diet...i cannot believe for one minute that strangers would question when they have no idea about...i cannot believe for one minute that more and more parents with children who are struggling with extreme anger and behavior problems aren't being told: look at their diet!!!!

sigh...day 7 of fat reduction...i want more than reduced fat molecules...i want bigger spiritual muscles...much bigger relationship with Him...and a huge zapper...so that every time i put something that has gluten, casein, or soy near my mouth...it would electrocute me...as i do believe my not watching what i eat severely affects my not watching what i say or how i say it...deepest sigh...how thankful am i to serve a Merciful and Gracious yet Sovereign God!

chocolate kisses

if i died tomorrow...and seeing as how i haven't run and am fighting off strep throat with every natural remedy i know...death is at the top of my mind...or rather...i feel like death is knocking on my door...or throat...or head...well...one gets the picture.

OH, focus...so if i died tomorrow...i would die content. despite the fact that i will never be satisfied AND i always question...well...everything...i am still content.

my sweet little daughter...and i never thought i would be able to say those words: sweet and daughter...just leaned over the doggie gate with a face smeared with chocolate (enjoy life allergen free of course) and kissed me on the cheek. forget fairy tale endings...step aside i-do kisses...that hypoallergenic chocolate covered smooch has to be the most amazingly sweet kiss i have ever received...it makes my heart so swollen with thankfulness my chest hurts...but the words that followed: mommy, i love you...you are the bestest...

and then my heart stops...

ahh...my heart has stopped and my cheek is tingling...

this my dear blog readers...is one of those beautiful moments in parenthood.

the blues

yeah, i got em.

they are every where...even in the big beautiful blue sky...except the sky can smile through the clouds when it's blue.

i lit some candles and prayed for people other than myself.

i watched house...it def didn't help...as cuddy is faced with the same question i always struggle with: can I be a mother...aka...mommy...AND...a professional.

i know many who can...but i am not many...my heart is (usually) with my children. but while my heart is very much in love...there are those days that bring even the best of moms to her knees...i question...and then my dearest well-intentioned husband says something to the effect of: yeah right, you want to be home all the time...

and i crumble...because...he's right. i can't find my balance.

or rather...i can't keep my balance. though i am beginning to think that's just the way God likes me to be...a bit off balance...so i will learn to reach out, take His hand, and rely on Him.

sigh...do my children have to keep growing up soooo fast?