Do you ever have something so heavy on your heart that your body literally begins to ache? the all-over-i-think-i-have-the-flu kind?
That's where I am right.now.
I am on night three of fitful sleep. We've entered this land called adoption, see, and it's a volatile place to be. One minute consists of the most tender of break throughs and the next minute an emotional or behavioral bomb explodes and leaves me to gather all the pieces of fragmented moments and words. I try to bandage all the bleeding feelings and pain and behaviors as quickly as possible, but it's not nearly as easy as in the examples given by experts in my books.
The thing about biological children is that you make all the mistakes before they are old enough to know or care...you've figured eachother's buttons out well enough to lovingly dance around the rough days (or you've earned the secure, healthy attachment that gives them this amazing ability to look right past and see the good-Mommy trapped within crazy-pms-tired-Mommy).
Adopted children? Mine are 8 and 13. There's no clouding over the bad-Mommy moments with them. And then the guilt sets in because you think you owe them perfection...as if my perfect-Mommying could undo all the pain and lack of Mommying they've experienced prior to our home...how short-sighted I can be.
There's the ticking time bomb right there. Before. It's easy to forget there even was a before...those blessed moments when everyone feels intact...together...attached. And then BAM...like autism slaps in the face...so are the realities that they've not always been there...and it physically begins to hurt. Because nothing that I do now or any day hereafter can take away what they've experienced in the past.
{Pausing a moment to praise God for redemption and restoration. It only took me 34 years to comprehend the magnitude of those gifts.}
We got a letter in the mail today from the State Police. They spelled the OA's name wrong and didn't bother to even have our correct address in the report...why I am surprised that they consider my children's "alleged" abuse "unfounded" is beside me? I literally skipped a breath. I shoulder the pain of all that letter represents to them across my entire body tonight. And the boy...the precious one with autism who also lived in that home...I cannot stop seeing his big eyes looking into mine when he asked if he could come with us, too?
Ugh. it's gut wrenching.
Tonight it isn't enough to "save" two. There are countless children in need of a forever home. This has been the hardest thing we've ever done, but MY GOD, that we would do MORE HARD things in His precious protection and will. May I never run from the uncomfortable again. May this only be the beginning. May He use our story to inspire more people to seek His will in adoption. I was angry for a day or two because I wanted to adopt a baby but He gave me older children...how humbled...how wrong...how small I feel tonight.
My babies sleep safely and contentedly in thier beds. They giggled and played and read themselves to sleep. My teenager prayed for the safety of her former foster brother...but even greater...she prayed for the heart of her former foster mother to be changed. May I walk in her example of love and forgiveness. And may that woman truly seek God's help and change her ways and may no other child ever be hurt in that home again.
As I fight the urge to be cynical and quote facts about abusers...I cling to Jesus's encouragement to be more like the children. How precious and easy their faith seems. How blessed and changed I am by my sweet, amazing 13 year old daughter. Sigh...the kindof sigh...that hurts.
My Quivers
Showing posts with label forgiveness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label forgiveness. Show all posts
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Separation
I used to imagine every single awful thing I have ever done being mulled over by Jesus while he was being whipped and mocked. I used to think that as He hung on the cross lists of sins would just ripple across his broken and bruised body.
I don't see that this year.
This year I have, for the first time in my life, really slowed myself down to realize what was going on a few thousand years ago during these last several days. I have tried to imagine being with him in the garden where he was so consumed with sorrow that he sweat drops of blood. It's always been explained that those drops were because of my sin. And I get that...but I think it was so much more. He was about to be separated for the first time...from His Father.
Sin is separation from our Holy God. Sin isn't "sin" because it's a list of bad things---a hierarchy of who is the holiest. It is absence of Him. And He is Love. I am just now understanding a tiny fragment of this. How much more did Jesus understand it all.
He wasn't hanging there being shocked by all of humanity's specific sins over and over and over. He was hanging there broken for us...and because of us...he was separated from Him. Have you ever lost someone you love? Death, divorce, abandonment? It hurts. It breaks. Tears cried in those dark hours are so thick, so bitter that they cry out for themselves.
As I have begun to understand that all sin is merely (because we so often try to over-complicate this) yet profoundly (focusing on the lists and hierarchy causes us to keep our eyes on US as opposed to HIM) separation from our Holy Father, I understand even more what happened on that cross. I cannot imagine being separated from my children. For my precious son who truly knows very little of his own wrong to be ripped away and suffer because of other people's sin (our CONSTANT turning away from Him and to ourselves...chosen separation). For him to think for one moment that I had abandoned him. For him to call out my name and feel as if I had forsaken him. I have no words fit for such sacrifice.
I only have a life, a life lived very imperfectly but made perfect by His blood. I don't want to be separated, not even for a second, from our Lord and Savior. May my life become a constant out-pouring of Him...more of Him...less of me.
I don't see that this year.
This year I have, for the first time in my life, really slowed myself down to realize what was going on a few thousand years ago during these last several days. I have tried to imagine being with him in the garden where he was so consumed with sorrow that he sweat drops of blood. It's always been explained that those drops were because of my sin. And I get that...but I think it was so much more. He was about to be separated for the first time...from His Father.
Sin is separation from our Holy God. Sin isn't "sin" because it's a list of bad things---a hierarchy of who is the holiest. It is absence of Him. And He is Love. I am just now understanding a tiny fragment of this. How much more did Jesus understand it all.
He wasn't hanging there being shocked by all of humanity's specific sins over and over and over. He was hanging there broken for us...and because of us...he was separated from Him. Have you ever lost someone you love? Death, divorce, abandonment? It hurts. It breaks. Tears cried in those dark hours are so thick, so bitter that they cry out for themselves.
As I have begun to understand that all sin is merely (because we so often try to over-complicate this) yet profoundly (focusing on the lists and hierarchy causes us to keep our eyes on US as opposed to HIM) separation from our Holy Father, I understand even more what happened on that cross. I cannot imagine being separated from my children. For my precious son who truly knows very little of his own wrong to be ripped away and suffer because of other people's sin (our CONSTANT turning away from Him and to ourselves...chosen separation). For him to think for one moment that I had abandoned him. For him to call out my name and feel as if I had forsaken him. I have no words fit for such sacrifice.
I only have a life, a life lived very imperfectly but made perfect by His blood. I don't want to be separated, not even for a second, from our Lord and Savior. May my life become a constant out-pouring of Him...more of Him...less of me.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Shooting Star
I saw a shooting star today.
It was brilliant...for one moment...it burned so brightly that only it had my full attention...and then it was gone...as quickly as it came...unexpected...unnoticed by many...poof.
Once upon a time...there was a little girl who would wish upon a star every night before she went to bed:
"Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight; I wish I may, I wish I might, have this wish I wish tonight...a doll, my daddy to come back, and for any child going to bed sad or scared to know that somewhere somebody out there loves them."
Many years go by and suddenly her "star light, star bright" wishes go away. They are replaced with survival. They are replaced with terrified prayers for protection...visions of angels surrounding her small family unit...baby dolls are used to make a perimeter barrier around her bed so that she would know if anyone came into her room while she was sleeping. There are no stars big enough to make her daddy come back and save her.
Many more years go by and the little girl grows up thinking men are bad, not to be trusted, worthless. She only attaches herself to the ones incapable of attaching themselves back. She is stupid with her choices, actions, and body. She is completely and undeniably miserable.
Several more years follow and the girl is not a girl anymore...and she is tired of where her life is not going. She has given up most of her own dreams for a boy...a boy she knows was never the answer. A boy who leaves...and with his absence...she is forced to recognize that she doesn't even know herself anymore.
She packs her bags and moves away. She vows to never date much less to ever marry. She finds herself alone...empty...confused...scared...and full of regret. But in the loneliness of her life, she discovers that she is strong, smart, valuable.
She still swears to never marry.
And then along comes a boy.
This boy never lets her run away...no matter how hard she pushes...she simply can't seem to shake his loyal resolve. He is in love. She is terrified. Somehow four months later, she finds herself staring at this boy in front of a handful of loved ones and several strangers promising her life...till death do they part.
What has she done?
There is no such thing as happily ever after.
Volatile years pass...up and down...like a roller coaster...events throw the girl and the boy together and make them strong. But she still finds herself praying that she will find the boy doing something wrong...reason to leave...despite all they have built up together. Those prayers and children, children with special needs, built walls and walls between them. Eventually the boy stops climbing over her wall...stops daily ripping it down. And she decides to accept that real love...the kind of love that makes your heart worth beating...is exactly what she has always feared: non-existent.
And then something happens...and she and the boy are forced to decide if what they have is worth sticking around for. They both examine what their marriage has become for the first time in years.
He begins ripping down her wall, stone by stone, with his bare hands. He isn't giving up without a fight...and she has finally decided to admit something to herself that she has tried to deny for all their years together: she loves him more than she ever thought possible...but even more...he loves her more than she ever thought herself worthy.
The girl decides to surrender her fears...she decides to trust this boy...now man...she trusts her man. And the man is a good man. And happily ever after is what they have been living all along...she has just been too blinded by her own fears to see.
As I looked up at the star that shot across the sky, I hesitated...for a moment I wanted to make a wish...but I had no wish. My wishing had been replaced with living...trusting...hoping...believing...loving.
And of course the ever present prayer that God would continually wrap His infinitely wise Arms of Protection around each and every child...happy or sad...but especially reveal Himself to the ones who find themselves unworthy.
May they come to understand that we are all unworthy...and that's what makes unconditional love become happily ever after.
It was brilliant...for one moment...it burned so brightly that only it had my full attention...and then it was gone...as quickly as it came...unexpected...unnoticed by many...poof.
Once upon a time...there was a little girl who would wish upon a star every night before she went to bed:
"Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight; I wish I may, I wish I might, have this wish I wish tonight...a doll, my daddy to come back, and for any child going to bed sad or scared to know that somewhere somebody out there loves them."
Many years go by and suddenly her "star light, star bright" wishes go away. They are replaced with survival. They are replaced with terrified prayers for protection...visions of angels surrounding her small family unit...baby dolls are used to make a perimeter barrier around her bed so that she would know if anyone came into her room while she was sleeping. There are no stars big enough to make her daddy come back and save her.
Many more years go by and the little girl grows up thinking men are bad, not to be trusted, worthless. She only attaches herself to the ones incapable of attaching themselves back. She is stupid with her choices, actions, and body. She is completely and undeniably miserable.
Several more years follow and the girl is not a girl anymore...and she is tired of where her life is not going. She has given up most of her own dreams for a boy...a boy she knows was never the answer. A boy who leaves...and with his absence...she is forced to recognize that she doesn't even know herself anymore.
She packs her bags and moves away. She vows to never date much less to ever marry. She finds herself alone...empty...confused...scared...and full of regret. But in the loneliness of her life, she discovers that she is strong, smart, valuable.
She still swears to never marry.
And then along comes a boy.
This boy never lets her run away...no matter how hard she pushes...she simply can't seem to shake his loyal resolve. He is in love. She is terrified. Somehow four months later, she finds herself staring at this boy in front of a handful of loved ones and several strangers promising her life...till death do they part.
What has she done?
There is no such thing as happily ever after.
Volatile years pass...up and down...like a roller coaster...events throw the girl and the boy together and make them strong. But she still finds herself praying that she will find the boy doing something wrong...reason to leave...despite all they have built up together. Those prayers and children, children with special needs, built walls and walls between them. Eventually the boy stops climbing over her wall...stops daily ripping it down. And she decides to accept that real love...the kind of love that makes your heart worth beating...is exactly what she has always feared: non-existent.
And then something happens...and she and the boy are forced to decide if what they have is worth sticking around for. They both examine what their marriage has become for the first time in years.
He begins ripping down her wall, stone by stone, with his bare hands. He isn't giving up without a fight...and she has finally decided to admit something to herself that she has tried to deny for all their years together: she loves him more than she ever thought possible...but even more...he loves her more than she ever thought herself worthy.
The girl decides to surrender her fears...she decides to trust this boy...now man...she trusts her man. And the man is a good man. And happily ever after is what they have been living all along...she has just been too blinded by her own fears to see.
As I looked up at the star that shot across the sky, I hesitated...for a moment I wanted to make a wish...but I had no wish. My wishing had been replaced with living...trusting...hoping...believing...loving.
And of course the ever present prayer that God would continually wrap His infinitely wise Arms of Protection around each and every child...happy or sad...but especially reveal Himself to the ones who find themselves unworthy.
May they come to understand that we are all unworthy...and that's what makes unconditional love become happily ever after.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
let the storms roll in...
the mood outside is befitting the mood of my heart...it is an oddly bright morning with rolling thunder and a steady soft rain. it has the makings of a terrible storm, yet it seems promising...as if God is simply crying with me...holding my hand...washing my sadness away with His tender Love.
i had a dream...nightmare...of my childhood/adolescent monster. a monster that will apparently hide forever in my subconscious closet. this dream last night was different...it included my present...my OA...my beloved. it is unexplainable how utterly shocked i was to find the one whom i feel the safest with pitted against the one whom terrified me for so many years. i immediately went into protection mode...i didn't beg my monster to not hurt me...i begged my OA to walk away...not get involved...brush it off...please don't engage him...please don't hurt him...
i was begging OA not to hurt the monster.
somehow...this very small person is tied to such intense fear...that i assumed he could somehow find a way to hurt my OA and take him from me forever.
it's raining harder now.
my eyes are only half filled with tears...they are closed...i am listening to God wash away my fear. i am slowing my breathing...breathing Him in.
a big boom of rolling thunder.
i feel safe. i am in my own home. i am far removed from my monster. my children will never experience that kind of fear. i am so humbled by my life...where i am...what i have...what i have escaped.
still harder the rain comes.
and now the tears.
may my OA never come to rescue me in my dreams again...may i never have to see the two together...ever. may my dreams forever be protected from allowing my children to be brought into my nightmares. dear God...this is my desire...my humble begging request.
thank You for the rain.
i actually feel more sadness for my monster than i do for myself...i can only imagine what nightmares plague a man responsible for so much pain. i hear he is different now. may God rescue him from his regrets...his sins...thank You Lord for taking us ALL just as we are...newly made in You.
let it rain...open the floodgates of heaven...and let it rain.
i had a dream...nightmare...of my childhood/adolescent monster. a monster that will apparently hide forever in my subconscious closet. this dream last night was different...it included my present...my OA...my beloved. it is unexplainable how utterly shocked i was to find the one whom i feel the safest with pitted against the one whom terrified me for so many years. i immediately went into protection mode...i didn't beg my monster to not hurt me...i begged my OA to walk away...not get involved...brush it off...please don't engage him...please don't hurt him...
i was begging OA not to hurt the monster.
somehow...this very small person is tied to such intense fear...that i assumed he could somehow find a way to hurt my OA and take him from me forever.
it's raining harder now.
my eyes are only half filled with tears...they are closed...i am listening to God wash away my fear. i am slowing my breathing...breathing Him in.
a big boom of rolling thunder.
i feel safe. i am in my own home. i am far removed from my monster. my children will never experience that kind of fear. i am so humbled by my life...where i am...what i have...what i have escaped.
still harder the rain comes.
and now the tears.
may my OA never come to rescue me in my dreams again...may i never have to see the two together...ever. may my dreams forever be protected from allowing my children to be brought into my nightmares. dear God...this is my desire...my humble begging request.
thank You for the rain.
i actually feel more sadness for my monster than i do for myself...i can only imagine what nightmares plague a man responsible for so much pain. i hear he is different now. may God rescue him from his regrets...his sins...thank You Lord for taking us ALL just as we are...newly made in You.
let it rain...open the floodgates of heaven...and let it rain.
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