closure

Closure...so often we avoid this very important part of the healing process...at least...for me...it's healing...i am one who will toss and turn for days (not hours...endless days and nights) struggling internally if i am in conflict with another...it tortures my soul. i talk to the person...they talk back(all in my mind...i often think i could be certifiable)...and until i can actually have the conversation...i have no peace.

there are people in this life, on our journeys, who hurt us beyond words...years pass...nightmares come and go...memories...well...i don't have too many memories...i don't know if my mind doesn't hold on to memories...or if it's a very well reheresed defense mechanism of my soul...anyhow...

people...bad people...who are broken...have seen bad things, done bad things, and hold onto their bad memories...the memories of things we do to hurt others, i think, have to sting much much more...regret...regrets make me my stomach ache, my heart cringe, and my soul sick...

i had the opportunity to see and speak with my childhood bad memory yesterday...i walked over to his table...he introduced me to his family (my family's replacement...how i hope we were a good learning curve for them...), we exchanged plesantries...i hugged him...i looked right into my former step father's eyes...

i am pretty sure...i saw...pangs of regret...i walked away...i moved on...it is over...

i have had the good fortune to meet other people after their life change...after they met God...after their family's pain had been inflicted...and they are amazing people...humbled by Grace and Mercy...and i wish i could speak to their families and share what a blessing they are...i cannot put my mind around who they used to be...

i think that has helped me the most...the realization that people can change...i have to live with occassional nightmares...but they are infrequent...i don't have to live with the bitterness and resentment of an unforgiving heart...i am thankful...thankful that forgiveness comes almost too easily for me...thankful that i am naive, still...despite my past...thankful that my husband will never put his hands on me or my children...thankful that my children will only know a stable and loving home...thankful that my mom, my brother, and myself survived...more than survived...have been blessed in abundance...overcome...moved on.

closure...