let the storms roll in...

the mood outside is befitting the mood of my heart...it is an oddly bright morning with rolling thunder and a steady soft rain. it has the makings of a terrible storm, yet it seems promising...as if God is simply crying with me...holding my hand...washing my sadness away with His tender Love.

i had a dream...nightmare...of my childhood/adolescent monster. a monster that will apparently hide forever in my subconscious closet. this dream last night was different...it included my present...my OA...my beloved. it is unexplainable how utterly shocked i was to find the one whom i feel the safest with pitted against the one whom terrified me for so many years. i immediately went into protection mode...i didn't beg my monster to not hurt me...i begged my OA to walk away...not get involved...brush it off...please don't engage him...please don't hurt him...

i was begging OA not to hurt the monster.

somehow...this very small person is tied to such intense fear...that i assumed he could somehow find a way to hurt my OA and take him from me forever.

it's raining harder now.

my eyes are only half filled with tears...they are closed...i am listening to God wash away my fear. i am slowing my breathing...breathing Him in.

a big boom of rolling thunder.

i feel safe. i am in my own home. i am far removed from my monster. my children will never experience that kind of fear. i am so humbled by my life...where i am...what i have...what i have escaped.

still harder the rain comes.

and now the tears.

may my OA never come to rescue me in my dreams again...may i never have to see the two together...ever. may my dreams forever be protected from allowing my children to be brought into my nightmares. dear God...this is my desire...my humble begging request.

thank You for the rain.

i actually feel more sadness for my monster than i do for myself...i can only imagine what nightmares plague a man responsible for so much pain. i hear he is different now. may God rescue him from his regrets...his sins...thank You Lord for taking us ALL just as we are...newly made in You.

let it rain...open the floodgates of heaven...and let it rain.