reality check

sometimes things start going so well...the only way i feel the effects of autism are thru my constant advocacy for awareness of biomedical protocol...and then...i get "lazy" ~ "comfortable"

sigh

i let j-bob chew one piece of orbit gum last night...one piece this morning...and one piece this evening...if you saw his face when he asked for it...you'd have crumbled too...every time...i know food does not equal love...but damn it...sometimes i just wish my child could eat "normal" kid foods...there's not a big market of gfcfsf...chemical free bubble gum...yet.

well...tonight...OA handed me a $20 bill and said: go to barnes and noble.

as we have discussed in prior posts...thems foreplay words in this house!!

anyhow...i went to kiss the kiddos goodbye and BAM...just like that...one of the biggest emotional meltdowns we've experience with the j-man in i don't know how long...6 months or longer?? it was huge...his anxiety over me leaving was even larger...and those tears...and that scream...and the running away from the problem instead of to the solution (literally...runs and hides and won't come out)...and the inevitable dispute that always arises between two blind-sided parents...one being the heavy (dad) and the other being the weak (mom)...while the mermaid stands clinging to me watching - worrying yet not wanting her brother to get ONE SECOND more of my attention than she...

bright side: it was over in less than 20 mins...he already had benadryll...i added two digestive enzymes...and with lots of patience and mumbo-jumbo...i left a happy...normal(ish) little boy to the care of his father.

as i meandered through barnes and noble...first the running section...then the travel essays...then the Donald Millar/Anne Lamont Christian section...then the biographies...and finally...the special needs section. less than a year ago i would camp out on the floor in front of the autism books...it's been over three months since i have actually sat down there...tonight i sat...and read...and gazed off into mommy-of-a-special-needs-kid-land...im pretty sure it was by the Grace of God that i did not drop my head to the floor and sob into the dirty carpet...sadly worn down by the countless other mothers (and some fathers)...who have been there, too.

i felt so overwhelmed...no matter what i do...i am always worried it's not enough...that there's something more i should be doing...researching...reading...implementing...but when i do those things...i lose myself to research...to worry...i feel like i don't appreciate, celebrate, enjoy...the treasured moments of my kiddo's lives...and that's when i feel hopeless...like autism is defining my family instead of my family defining autism. that's when it becomes a label rather than a beautiful understanding of the way my son thinks and interprets emotions and social cues...that's when i become angry...angry that too many other families are living life like this.

i think the last few months have been a healthy balance...the problem i face is figuring out how to not fearing healthy and balanced...learning to live in the grey areas of life...knowing when to worry and knowing when to relax...sigh.

i'm thankful for the reality checks...no matter how small they leave me feeling.

beware of rant ahead

so today i was taken back...who knows how many years...not good with history dates...but it saddens me that we now have the first black president...and yet many still expect women to gather their identities from their husbands and their children.

and for the love of all that's holy people...can we slow the divorce rate down a tad here?? it's everywhere i turn...and today...i began to understand why God decided to condone divorce...yet He still hates divorce...it's ugly...so extremely ugly.

i want to list what's uglier...but i am reminded that evil is the absence of God's Love. it's that simple...love or no love...how i respond is reflective of love...(non-evil)...or no-love (evil). i want to be non-evil...i want to reflect His Love...i want to bandage the wound of my bleeding sistah...whom i have begun to fall deeply in love with...so tender...so kind...despite the no-love she's been subjected to.

close your eyes...listen...listen to the Love...i believe He's whispering in your ear right now:
you, my darling daughter...are a fantastic mother...rest in Me...I am all you need...just breathe Me in...and then breathe Me out...I'll take care of the rest.

sorry...a really good Christian would have exact Scripture references handy...i'm not so good with specifics...but i am blogger friends with some who are wonderful encouragers!

help me out dearest readers...and lend a prayer if you will...can't really give details...but you know the drill...and also...please lift up j-bob's teacher...that if God so desires...they can adopt their foster child...it's down to the wire for both of these angels in my life!

geez...it's been a long time

oh. i. miss. florida.

there i said it...we just got back...and i am too lazy to post pics...but i promise some soon.

we had an amazing visit with the family! the kiddos are absolutely in love...

and my home church...oh my home church...i looked at OA during the first worship song on sunday and immediately knew what he was thinking...it's been too long...we miss our church family...we miss our spiritual growth...it almost seems as if God has intentionally not allowed us to spread our roots too deep here...and God is in our church in arkansas...but our souls sing the same harmony as our church family in florida...and what a beautiful sound to my ears...

sigh...but there is so much i love about arkansas...such a hard decision...one that can't be made anytime soon...but i foresee a move in the next few years...anyhow.

this trip has been a huge leap in proof of j-bob's recovery...he had NOT ONE meltdown...and talk about changing of routines...well...i take that back...there was one night he cried because he wanted 16 cedarwood...but it was late, and he was exhausted...oh and sick the ENTIRE time! all week i have been thinking about how i feel like i am finally gripping autism instead of autism gripping me...to the naked eye...i believe the only differences one would immediately notice about my dear son are that he wears glasses and eats a special diet...other than that...he just has a few quirky social oddities that may or may not leave a person wondering...

the unsatisfied mother in me wants his baby-ish voice to go away (only bc of peer reactions)...his extreme literalness to soften...the guarantee that he will never ever be the butt of some evil-doer's jokes...but the eternally grateful exceptionally amazed mother in me is relishing over every single solitary accomplishment that child has busted his arse to gain. and my arse...my arse was knocked upside down a dozen times (or more!) in the last five years...yet my arse kept dusting itself off (God's Grace) and pushing ahead (God's Mercy)...all those tears, hours researching, and intuition following have finally started to have their pay-off (God's Love)...i simply am amazed at what has transpired in my life...i am more amazed that my husband and i have survived...and remain more in love...hand-in-hand today than we did 9 lustful years ago (God's Grace, Mercy, and Love).

and that doesn't even half way account for the changes in my darling angel of a princess mermaid...she wore a tiara or princess dress every where we went...and how fitting...not 6 months ago...i was banging my head (literally) against a wall in desperation over her behavior...and today...she's just a normal little four year old girl...sigh...(God's Provision).

tonight. i. am. thankful.

running

so...my running is going better than i ever imagined...i have successfully ran 8 miles...we backed off this week but will revisit those 8 again next weekend...sigh...i'm so close to 13.1!

that being said...the day after my birthday...i began a radical change...kind of a combination of all things said granola-diet-lifestyle-dreams-combo...if i have thought about giving it up in the past...well...i gave it up last week: meat, gluten, casein, coffee (had one small today...but won't make that mistake again!), hmm...am i forgetting something??

well...i bloated up like a hippo...and i'm serious...i gained over 5 lbs...it was VERY frustrating...i have been on and off the scales more than i care to admit...OA keeps shaking his head and muttering that he's gonna throw my scales away...well...what's the problem...i'm working hard...i want to know the minute i get a single result...

which is exactly why i conceded to having him hide my scales today...i have eaten so healthy this week...my runs have been incredible...effortless (well...almost)...my cravings and mood swings have gotten much more stable...i mean...come on...look at the success i have had in one week...BUT...instead i have focused on the number...i want it down...it's all i see...it's all i think about...i finally realized...after a good swift quick in the 8 mile running bootie from the good Lord Himself...that i am so focused on some number (ridiculous one at that) that i am not celebrating the fact that i have accomplished more in the last month or so physically and mentally than i ever have before...and my goodness...what am i teaching my daughter?? is my weight what defines me?? or rather...is what is coming from my heart...what defines me? i hope my heart speaks louder than my neurosis...

i am so thankful i serve a God who sees inside...i also pray...that my job in Heaven will include running with the winged horses...when i'm not fixated on losing 3 more pounds...i find my mind drifting to Him...what He wants...what He sees...there is so much more to worry about in life than 3 pounds...how foolish...how self-centered...what happened to my inspiration of running to beat autism...prove that it does not define my family...rather...we are determined to define it...show a beautiful face to ASD...that is what caused me to lace up my shoes the first time...oh Lord, thank You...for Your amazing Grace and Mercy! thank You for meeting me half way...every single time!

SOY free AND gluten free dressing!!!!

finally a gluten free dressing that's SOY FREE, too!!

actually, any dressing for that matter...that's soy free...today...mermaid is one happy little merm!


Annie's Naturals: Balsamic Vinaigrette


i have tried numerous attempts to make fake ranch and various other dressings...ummm...no thanks...happy to buy this from the bottle!! and there may very well be plenty of other gfcfsf dressings...but i have searched every one on kroger and wal-mart shelves...only to leave me stomping down the aisle muttering cursings to the great god of soy...or shall i say...soy satan!

thank you annie for once again...pulling through!