sometimes things start going so well...the only way i feel the effects of autism are thru my constant advocacy for awareness of biomedical protocol...and then...i get "lazy" ~ "comfortable"
sigh
i let j-bob chew one piece of orbit gum last night...one piece this morning...and one piece this evening...if you saw his face when he asked for it...you'd have crumbled too...every time...i know food does not equal love...but damn it...sometimes i just wish my child could eat "normal" kid foods...there's not a big market of gfcfsf...chemical free bubble gum...yet.
well...tonight...OA handed me a $20 bill and said: go to barnes and noble.
as we have discussed in prior posts...thems foreplay words in this house!!
anyhow...i went to kiss the kiddos goodbye and BAM...just like that...one of the biggest emotional meltdowns we've experience with the j-man in i don't know how long...6 months or longer?? it was huge...his anxiety over me leaving was even larger...and those tears...and that scream...and the running away from the problem instead of to the solution (literally...runs and hides and won't come out)...and the inevitable dispute that always arises between two blind-sided parents...one being the heavy (dad) and the other being the weak (mom)...while the mermaid stands clinging to me watching - worrying yet not wanting her brother to get ONE SECOND more of my attention than she...
bright side: it was over in less than 20 mins...he already had benadryll...i added two digestive enzymes...and with lots of patience and mumbo-jumbo...i left a happy...normal(ish) little boy to the care of his father.
as i meandered through barnes and noble...first the running section...then the travel essays...then the Donald Millar/Anne Lamont Christian section...then the biographies...and finally...the special needs section. less than a year ago i would camp out on the floor in front of the autism books...it's been over three months since i have actually sat down there...tonight i sat...and read...and gazed off into mommy-of-a-special-needs-kid-land...im pretty sure it was by the Grace of God that i did not drop my head to the floor and sob into the dirty carpet...sadly worn down by the countless other mothers (and some fathers)...who have been there, too.
i felt so overwhelmed...no matter what i do...i am always worried it's not enough...that there's something more i should be doing...researching...reading...implementing...but when i do those things...i lose myself to research...to worry...i feel like i don't appreciate, celebrate, enjoy...the treasured moments of my kiddo's lives...and that's when i feel hopeless...like autism is defining my family instead of my family defining autism. that's when it becomes a label rather than a beautiful understanding of the way my son thinks and interprets emotions and social cues...that's when i become angry...angry that too many other families are living life like this.
i think the last few months have been a healthy balance...the problem i face is figuring out how to not fearing healthy and balanced...learning to live in the grey areas of life...knowing when to worry and knowing when to relax...sigh.
i'm thankful for the reality checks...no matter how small they leave me feeling.
5 comments:
I remember not too long ago living in that same "land". My oldest, BaileyRose, was suffering from asthma. Was the house clean enough, were all the bedclothes in allergan covers, did she run too fast while playing outside in the cold? We worried about food, air, temperature and the people smoking outside Walmart as we walked in. My whole body tightened at the sound of one cough. She has never been to a bowling alley (smoke) and she has never been to a campfire. She did not have a feather boa in her dress up box (allergies). She missed weeks at a time in preschool and kindergarten. However-God taught me so much during this time. I am sure I Still don't know everything He revealed to us. But, here is what I KNOW I learned:
I learned how to teach BaileyRose how to pray for herself
I learned to bask in the Peace of God
I learned that I am absolutely not in control
I learned that the body that God gave my daughter is amazing and He can do great things with it
You are doing so good. Keep on keeping on. Love ya!
Granola ~ I can sooo relate to this. I struggle constantly with knowing that three boys depend upon me to find more ways to make them better...and feeling guilty with the burn out, tired, apathy that creeps in...and wanting to just be a normal mom.....I have sat in that same spot at Barnes and Noble wondering how many others (and you're right...the carpet is a little more worn there!) have been there searching, too. Usually I'm disappointed to find I'm doing all that's there...wanting to find something new to try. Sigh.
I do best at research and renewing myself when we are in a good routine, which I haven't found in our home since about Thanksgiving! With the holidays and so many snow days here...time is flying by and only the basics get done. I need to fall back and regroup!
To an awesome Mother, I give you this award,,,visit the good life to look for it. Love Ya!
I can really relate...I wish these kids came with instruction manuals, I would do anything for them if I just knew for sure what it was I'm suppossed to be doing!!! (((HUGS)))
Instruction manuals? I'd settle for some social story books!
You are having a rough go, I think we've all been there too & will be back again. Hope this one passes quickly. Hugs to you.
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