I think there is supposed to be a DHS adoption style part 2? But it will have to be written by someone other than myself, because I doubt there's going to be much replication of our story.
After our home study was approved we jumped through what felt like about 1 million more hoops before we were given the blessed go-ahead to meet our children. We were instructed to not bring the Ninja or Mermaid because the possibilities of the kid's reaction to their adoption news were endless. It just so happened that the meeting was going to take place on OA's birthday. It was to transpire at their therapist's office and beyond that, we had no idea what to expect. We only knew that how the meeting went would determine the outcome for all future visits...no pressure...right?
I hardly remember any details about that drive...other than it seemed endless. The kiddos were scheduled to be there half an hour before us so that the therapist could introduce our family's album and letter to them. Plus, he wanted some time to run interference if they were upset (it is a total myth to think that every waiting child is elated with the idea of adoption...these children have been FORCED from their biological parent's lives and hurt by so many adults to include the system...why SHOULD they be excited?). To our dismay, they arrived late and our precious son-to-be held the door open for us as we walked in. We tried our best not to make eye contact and walked straight down the hall as if we were going somewhere else. We hid in the bathrooms until enough time had passed for us to go inside.
I know exactly what they were wearing. I know exactly where we were all sitting. "T" (our 13 year old) wouldn't even make eye contact yet "J" (our 8 year old) was clutching our photo album and grinning from ear to ear saying how happy he was and when could he start Martial Arts? My heart was pounding. I could see OA's face registering unfamiliar territory and it made me talk faster and faster because he is our rock and if he is faltering then I'm surely going to sink us. The therapist insisted that we go out of the sterile environment and get something to eat and meet back in an hour.
That was it...our big introduction. And then we were alone just the 4 of us in our truck in the middle of a city we regularly get lost in trying to decide where to eat. I immediately started asking questions trying to pull "T" out of her shell; I honestly have no idea which one it was, but she finally looked at me and started answering. I can still hear the new-ness of their voices. Hers so soft and tingly and his like melting wax. My ears fell in love instantly. "T" was like a fierce warrior...her face registers nothing unless she grants it permission. Her brother is the exact opposite...his face is more animated than Saturday morning cartoons. He cannot command a single part of his body to be still...the first few nights he even twitched in his sleep (I had to sleep on the floor beside his bed bc he was so scared...but that's jumping way ahead).
We decided on Chili's because that's the OA's territory and we got it to-go and went to the local book store. "T" loves to read. Right in the middle of the book store not even 20 minutes into our visit I stopped her and looked her straight in the eyes and asked, "What part about this adoption are you the most upset or scared about: giving up your school and friends or the fear of getting hurt again?" Right in the middle of the book store not even 20 minutes into our visit she looked me straight in the eyes and said, "I am NOT going to open myself up again to get hurt...I'm not going to let anyone in." I took a deep breath and blinked back those very rebellious tears and replied, "I didn't have a very good childhood and one time Jon told me that I could push as hard as I wanted but he was not going anywhere...and he didn't...and if you would please...please...just give us one chance...I promise that we will fight with all we have and never give up on you." Then the boys walked up and we just fell into position. Like we had always had each other---yet for some reason had been separated for a while.
When we got back to the therapist's office at some point the foster mom made a joke about the kids coming with us for the weekend. We immediately jumped on the idea and said we'd been asking for that very thing all along. The kids were begging in unison so the therapist pronounced it "divine intervention" and gave his blessings. Several phone calls and details and car rides later, we were on our way home...with 4 children in our truck. Happy birthday OA.
To say we were not prepared for them to come home with us is an understatement. Oh how I took for granted the luxury of letting laundry pile up and letting the fridge grow empty. I had planned to go grocery shopping while the OA took a nap when we got home...HA! Instead we were scrambling around Wal-Mart for food. "J" was a wild man. I am used to children holding my hands and staying near...just because...not so for him. He was off...like a light. I cannot count on one hand how many times OA and I looked at each other and said, "oh great, we are going to lose him on our FIRST night together". Of course, J-Bob was beside himself with worry. I mean...a child who wanders off??? That's SO NOT COOL in his book. "J" finally settled himself on the bottom of the cart with his legs stuck out and arms flung wide like superman. Really, we were THAT family that night at Wal-Mart.
We got everyone fed and eventually in bed. "J" was so terrified due to some horrible things he had been told. Those details must wait. But I eventually convinced him that those things would NEVER happen to him in our house, and I slept on our concrete floor by his bed. I have never before in my life seen a child sleep like that. He was even kicking the walls at some point in his sleep. May God forgive me for the anger I still cling tightly to towards his former foster family. Many things came out that weekend. They explained so much of what we were seeing in "J"'s behavior. The only words I can use to describe him are that he was like a caged wild animal who was finally let free. {My God. I pause to praise You for your incredible kindness and grace shown by giving us this precious child in need.} Sigh.
The whole weekend is a blur. I didn't sleep at all. I couldn't even shower unless OA was readily available to be the "referee" in the event that the inevitable dispute would arise. Sunday came along and it was time to pack bags and take them home. "J" woke from a nightmare and told me he was very sad he had to go home. I swore to him that I'd fight harder than I'd ever fought before to get him back with us as soon as possible. His eyes flickered hope for one second and then fell dim. My heart ripped in two.
I have failed to mention "T". She was simply amazing. I am quite sure that somehow she was born from us and sent somewhere else. She was so open and so transparent. There's so much I want to share but I feel like I need her permission. The whole family fell instantly in love with her. She didn't want to leave either, and I was shocked when she said she'd give up cheerleading and her school if she could just stay. My heart ripped again. How was I supposed to drive them home when they were already home???
This next part of the story is surreal. It is probably one of the hardest and most horrible moments I have ever had to endure as a Mom. "J" refused to get into the truck. He was kicking and screaming and crying that he didn't want to leave us. I was begging him to understand that we would see him next week (in the back of my mind I had already been formulating how badly I needed said week to game plan a survival guide for future weekends). It was an infantile cry that broke my heart (again). The whole family was crying except "T". But she was trying to comfort her brother...a side she rarely shows. It got so bad that we had to drop J-Bob and Mermaid off with a dear friend. I called someone who, next to God, has played the single most pivotal role in our story. She heard "J"'s cries and didn't stop making calls until she found someone who would listen. And once someone realized he was safe...he gave them plenty of things to listen to. There are a million details that simply cannot be shared. But, I can say that God is bigger than I ever dreamed because we were able to turn that truck around and go pick up J and M and go home...all 6 of us. And my heart babies are tucked snugly into their own beds as I type.
It hasn't been an easy few weeks. We haven't had a lot of "fun" moments. It's been exhausting and excruciating. Being a mother of 4 demands so much. I miss my husband's arms. I am having to share them with so many. I think that's the part that's thrown me the most (that I don't like sharing him 24-7). J-Bob and Mermaid have always been "Mama's kids"...but "T" is a "Daddy's girl" which is pushing Merci into becoming a "Daddy's girl" and Jaden is just floating along trying to make heads or tails of this brother whom doesn't understand rules. "J" is going to be a "Mama's boy" through and through, and I rue the day anyone ever tries to hurt me. I'm pretty sure he'd kill them...instantly. His love is that fierce. And that precious boy kept telling me how I needed to let HIM do things for ME because he owed it to me...sigh...I told him the only thing I want from him is good choices and for him to be a little boy...just be a child.
So at the end of a couple of very hard days, I sit in humbled amazement. That God would entrust my family with such a huge task. That I would be blessed enough to be frustrated by my teenager's "attitude" and my boy's bickering. Meanwhile, Mermaid is the blessed baby of the family who has somehow found herself in the perfect position to be loved and cherished by all...the constant calmer of the crazy people. That I would crave my husband's arms...his attention and affection...blessed alone time. I have been desperate and exhausted and angry and elated and frustrated and joyful...but I have never once felt empty. God is my strength...my refuge...in Him do I trust. Even when perspective alludes me...I can cling to His goodness...and rest in His mercies that are (oh thank You, God) new EVERY morning.
This is merely the beginning of our story. I sit in eager anticipation to see what God will write tomorrow. For tonight, I breathe in this moment of silence and kid breaths and thank Him for all He has done in our lives. I have never known a thankfulness like I know in this very moment.
My Quivers
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
The process...DCFS style..part one
I am sitting in my living room sipping coffee listening to nothing more than the air conditioning blow and the birds chirp outside my window. No children to feed this morning (they are at my mom's), no husband to iron work clothes for (he is at a soft ball tournament), just the dogs, my coffee, my thoughts, and a really big grin on my face.
Today I ready our home for the monumental, frequently alluded to adoption-rite-of-passage: the home study.
Most adoptions begin with the home study. It's the foundation that all the rest of your paperwork builds upon. It is the opportunity for licensed strangers to delve into your marriage, finances, childhood, parenting, education, home, sanity, etc. It makes sense to begin with a home study because you cannot do anything until it has been completed and you have been deemed worthy of adopting (or fostering) a child...so I can finally put words to what has seemed so incredibly frustrating in our situation (which has by God's Grace moved much quicker than many in similar).
In our state, through the foster care system, the home study happens towards the end or more the middle of it all. You better be firmly rooted in knowing you're following God's will because when working with the state, you have ZERO luxuries...no sweet-voiced lady on the other end of the line walking you through the next step (I have had contact with two adoption agencies whose sweet-voiced ladies, in and of themselves and their heart's for God and orphans, have sold me on their agencies...my how I have longed for their calm reassurance, prayers, and willingness to share the next step)...no realization of what the "next step" even is. You have no rites what-so-ever until...wait for it...you got it: you pass your home study.
So what does this process look like? I can share what it's looked like for us thus far.
We began by attending an informational meeting in which we were given "the packet" (remember the meeting we left swearing we'd NEVER EVER foster parent or go through DCFS because we REFUSED to work for the state?? Yeah, I think God laughed at us that night, too). "The packet" was full of background check information, finger printing, and so on and so forth. Once this gets mailed back to DCFS the wait-of-the-watched-phone begins.
We were called and told we couldn't go to training because our background checks had not cleared. This training only happens once or twice a year and God had parted the Red Sea (first of many) in the OA's schedule and heart to allow us to attend. At this point, I reminded God that none of this was of my will (note NEVER EVER above) and if it was TRULY His plan for us to foster-adopt through the state, He was going to have to handle all of the details for me because all of it was totally out of my control (first of many). A few days before the training kicked off we were given a pass to attend with the promise that we'd be kicked out if our background checks came back with anything on them. The social worker then came over and did an initial home inspection.
Two full weekends in June to total 30 hours of training with a 2 hour First Aid and CPR certification in between (OA and I missed our children so much that month) landed us with another "packet". The first one paled in comparison to this...the red folder...in which financial statements, physical exams, dog exams and shots, kiddo's immunizations (another Red Sea parting for those who know my feelings on this issue), home and auto insurance, emergency plans, diagram of home, home work from training, proof of every imaginable thing under the sun went into this red folder. It was a labor of love. Again, all of this we did in between the two training weekends (I thought it HAD to be turned in last day of class..it doesn't...just FYI...so don't kill yourself trying). The surrendering of the red folder that Monday after training ended was as bittersweet as finishing up a really, really, really long run.
An entire whole story has been written by God in between that day and today...one I cannot wait to slowly begin to share...one that it will take time to put human words to. Man, when He shows off, He shows off big.
If I only knew that day why God had so generously given me the energy, endurance, and urgency to surrender that folder so quickly...sigh...I can't imagine what that-day granola would've said to this-day granola. I'm positive that she wouldn't for one second believe she was about to double her children, soon be raising a teenager, and have a love for two children that defies all logic because seeing as how her home study hasn't even occurred, she isn't allowed to know much more than what their faces look like on a heart gallery photolisting...a place that strangers can even see...knowledge that anyone can know. Double sigh. That tired granola who was driving their-then-car with no air conditioning was surrendering so much more than her family's red folder and heart work. She was about to embark on one of the coolest journeys God has ever called her family.
And tomorrow...tomorrow...we have our home study!!
Today I ready our home for the monumental, frequently alluded to adoption-rite-of-passage: the home study.
Most adoptions begin with the home study. It's the foundation that all the rest of your paperwork builds upon. It is the opportunity for licensed strangers to delve into your marriage, finances, childhood, parenting, education, home, sanity, etc. It makes sense to begin with a home study because you cannot do anything until it has been completed and you have been deemed worthy of adopting (or fostering) a child...so I can finally put words to what has seemed so incredibly frustrating in our situation (which has by God's Grace moved much quicker than many in similar).
In our state, through the foster care system, the home study happens towards the end or more the middle of it all. You better be firmly rooted in knowing you're following God's will because when working with the state, you have ZERO luxuries...no sweet-voiced lady on the other end of the line walking you through the next step (I have had contact with two adoption agencies whose sweet-voiced ladies, in and of themselves and their heart's for God and orphans, have sold me on their agencies...my how I have longed for their calm reassurance, prayers, and willingness to share the next step)...no realization of what the "next step" even is. You have no rites what-so-ever until...wait for it...you got it: you pass your home study.
{a tiny taste of what kids trapped in the foster care system go through every single day}
...sigh...
So what does this process look like? I can share what it's looked like for us thus far.
We began by attending an informational meeting in which we were given "the packet" (remember the meeting we left swearing we'd NEVER EVER foster parent or go through DCFS because we REFUSED to work for the state?? Yeah, I think God laughed at us that night, too). "The packet" was full of background check information, finger printing, and so on and so forth. Once this gets mailed back to DCFS the wait-of-the-watched-phone begins.
We were called and told we couldn't go to training because our background checks had not cleared. This training only happens once or twice a year and God had parted the Red Sea (first of many) in the OA's schedule and heart to allow us to attend. At this point, I reminded God that none of this was of my will (note NEVER EVER above) and if it was TRULY His plan for us to foster-adopt through the state, He was going to have to handle all of the details for me because all of it was totally out of my control (first of many). A few days before the training kicked off we were given a pass to attend with the promise that we'd be kicked out if our background checks came back with anything on them. The social worker then came over and did an initial home inspection.
Two full weekends in June to total 30 hours of training with a 2 hour First Aid and CPR certification in between (OA and I missed our children so much that month) landed us with another "packet". The first one paled in comparison to this...the red folder...in which financial statements, physical exams, dog exams and shots, kiddo's immunizations (another Red Sea parting for those who know my feelings on this issue), home and auto insurance, emergency plans, diagram of home, home work from training, proof of every imaginable thing under the sun went into this red folder. It was a labor of love. Again, all of this we did in between the two training weekends (I thought it HAD to be turned in last day of class..it doesn't...just FYI...so don't kill yourself trying). The surrendering of the red folder that Monday after training ended was as bittersweet as finishing up a really, really, really long run.
An entire whole story has been written by God in between that day and today...one I cannot wait to slowly begin to share...one that it will take time to put human words to. Man, when He shows off, He shows off big.
If I only knew that day why God had so generously given me the energy, endurance, and urgency to surrender that folder so quickly...sigh...I can't imagine what that-day granola would've said to this-day granola. I'm positive that she wouldn't for one second believe she was about to double her children, soon be raising a teenager, and have a love for two children that defies all logic because seeing as how her home study hasn't even occurred, she isn't allowed to know much more than what their faces look like on a heart gallery photolisting...a place that strangers can even see...knowledge that anyone can know. Double sigh. That tired granola who was driving their-then-car with no air conditioning was surrendering so much more than her family's red folder and heart work. She was about to embark on one of the coolest journeys God has ever called her family.
And tomorrow...tomorrow...we have our home study!!
Monday, July 30, 2012
Jericho
One of my most favorite Bible guys is Joshua. I think I have always cherished his bravery and courage and all the awesome words af such used with him:
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged,
for the LORD you God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9
I love that when he went to spy out the Israelites' new land, he and Caleb were the ONLY two not terrified of the "giants" and tried to convince the others to not be afraid and to trust in their LORD--- the very LORD who parted the Red Sea and did so many other great miracles for them on a near daily basis. It comes as no surprise me that he was the one God chose to have the Israelites walk around the whole city of Jericho 13 times.
Last night we visited what I hope will be our new church family (we have been searching for such for 7 years). With upcoming adoption of not one, but two children and not babies, but a teenager and a child in between my bio-children's ages, I have never been more certain in all my life that we need a like-minded body of believers to run to for accountability, edification, and prayer through this next season. Just preparing these last few months with all the paperwork upon paperwork upon paperwork and readying our home (a major overhaul...I will have to post some before, during, after shots) for the what-seems-will-never-come-home-study (the watched pot never boils, right?) has brought me to worn-down places that only my children's toddler hoods and Autism have ever brought me...which...seems fitting because aren't the rough parts of pregnancy foreshadowing of the never-dreamed-of rough parts of parenthood that no amount of love, patience, books, and advice can prepare?
CHURCH...oh yeah...the guest speaker spoke of the destruction of Jericho and brought up MANY great points but the part that resonated with my soul and caused those rebellious tears to fall was his point on how if the Israelites would have thought, "we've done this for x amount of days now or x amount of circles now and nothing has happened...I'm not doing it anymore," then the walls (bc God gave them SPECIFIC instructions) would NOT have fallen down. Let that sit with you for a moment. When we disobey or give up after He has clearly given us an instruction...walls don't fall. God can use someone (or something) else, clearly, but I don't ever want to miss out on what He has for those given walls on that given day.
I feel like I am marching around a city with my husband and two biological children that holds one room with my two heart children hidden inside. A city that is about to be destroyed. I'm sure the Israelites were focused on God's decree and that Jericho was their promised land, but they, at least some, had to also be focused on the promise they had made to Rahab about not harming anyone in her home lest their blood be on God's chosen people. I am clinging to the time after time after time of God's incredible undeserved Grace being revealed in His word and through His promises. I am quite sure had I been marching around that city, I'd have been chanting in my mind: You parted the Red Sea; You can bring these walls down...You parted the Red Sea; You can bring these walls down, You parted...over and over and over again...just as I am today: You parted the Red Sea;You can bring my children to me faster than our broken state's department system allows...You parted the Red Sea; You can bring my children to me faster than stacked paperwork or misplaced finger prints, or unhappy, unsaved.....one gets the idea.
So I try my best to not watch the pot. And despite the fact that I feel an overwhelming sense of urgency to have these two children whose lives have already been knitted into our own, in my arms and under my protective care, I am continue to march on and constantly surrender the need to know what the next step will bring and chanting my mantra to Him..over and over and over.
All of this has painted such a beautiful picture of His adoption of us in my mind. These children have no idea we exist. They have no idea how hard we are already fighting for them on our knees and with our patience, our endurance, and our love for those who are proving difficult to love...people (and a system) they have had to be subjected to most of their lives. They have no idea the hours I have spent researching different avenues for their future and how much sleep we've lost readying this home for their arrival...an arrival we anticipate with such tender joy and excitement. An arrival they may fight, fear, or try to flee. Oh how I do this to our Lord and Saviour. He prepared the way before me (all of us)...before I ever even existed. Why did it take so long for me to accept (not fear) His love? How can I question a Love so Pure, so Sacrificial?
May every time my children seek to reject me despite all I have and will always do for them be a gentle reminder of all the ways I have rejected Him despite all He has and will always do for me. May it give me a Grace that is reflective of all the Grace I have been given. May I continue to lay down my life and my needs (especially for control) in an act of blood-stained-sacrifice that pales in comparison to His blood-stained-sacrifice for me...for all of us.
May I always be strong and courageous, be not afraid, and not become discouraged. May I always focus my heart firmly on the promise that LORD my God will be with me wherever I go and may that be all the control I ever need to have til the day I stand (rather fall on my face) before Him.
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged,
for the LORD you God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9
I love that when he went to spy out the Israelites' new land, he and Caleb were the ONLY two not terrified of the "giants" and tried to convince the others to not be afraid and to trust in their LORD--- the very LORD who parted the Red Sea and did so many other great miracles for them on a near daily basis. It comes as no surprise me that he was the one God chose to have the Israelites walk around the whole city of Jericho 13 times.
Last night we visited what I hope will be our new church family (we have been searching for such for 7 years). With upcoming adoption of not one, but two children and not babies, but a teenager and a child in between my bio-children's ages, I have never been more certain in all my life that we need a like-minded body of believers to run to for accountability, edification, and prayer through this next season. Just preparing these last few months with all the paperwork upon paperwork upon paperwork and readying our home (a major overhaul...I will have to post some before, during, after shots) for the what-seems-will-never-come-home-study (the watched pot never boils, right?) has brought me to worn-down places that only my children's toddler hoods and Autism have ever brought me...which...seems fitting because aren't the rough parts of pregnancy foreshadowing of the never-dreamed-of rough parts of parenthood that no amount of love, patience, books, and advice can prepare?
CHURCH...oh yeah...the guest speaker spoke of the destruction of Jericho and brought up MANY great points but the part that resonated with my soul and caused those rebellious tears to fall was his point on how if the Israelites would have thought, "we've done this for x amount of days now or x amount of circles now and nothing has happened...I'm not doing it anymore," then the walls (bc God gave them SPECIFIC instructions) would NOT have fallen down. Let that sit with you for a moment. When we disobey or give up after He has clearly given us an instruction...walls don't fall. God can use someone (or something) else, clearly, but I don't ever want to miss out on what He has for those given walls on that given day.
I feel like I am marching around a city with my husband and two biological children that holds one room with my two heart children hidden inside. A city that is about to be destroyed. I'm sure the Israelites were focused on God's decree and that Jericho was their promised land, but they, at least some, had to also be focused on the promise they had made to Rahab about not harming anyone in her home lest their blood be on God's chosen people. I am clinging to the time after time after time of God's incredible undeserved Grace being revealed in His word and through His promises. I am quite sure had I been marching around that city, I'd have been chanting in my mind: You parted the Red Sea; You can bring these walls down...You parted the Red Sea; You can bring these walls down, You parted...over and over and over again...just as I am today: You parted the Red Sea;You can bring my children to me faster than our broken state's department system allows...You parted the Red Sea; You can bring my children to me faster than stacked paperwork or misplaced finger prints, or unhappy, unsaved.....one gets the idea.
So I try my best to not watch the pot. And despite the fact that I feel an overwhelming sense of urgency to have these two children whose lives have already been knitted into our own, in my arms and under my protective care, I am continue to march on and constantly surrender the need to know what the next step will bring and chanting my mantra to Him..over and over and over.
All of this has painted such a beautiful picture of His adoption of us in my mind. These children have no idea we exist. They have no idea how hard we are already fighting for them on our knees and with our patience, our endurance, and our love for those who are proving difficult to love...people (and a system) they have had to be subjected to most of their lives. They have no idea the hours I have spent researching different avenues for their future and how much sleep we've lost readying this home for their arrival...an arrival we anticipate with such tender joy and excitement. An arrival they may fight, fear, or try to flee. Oh how I do this to our Lord and Saviour. He prepared the way before me (all of us)...before I ever even existed. Why did it take so long for me to accept (not fear) His love? How can I question a Love so Pure, so Sacrificial?
May every time my children seek to reject me despite all I have and will always do for them be a gentle reminder of all the ways I have rejected Him despite all He has and will always do for me. May it give me a Grace that is reflective of all the Grace I have been given. May I continue to lay down my life and my needs (especially for control) in an act of blood-stained-sacrifice that pales in comparison to His blood-stained-sacrifice for me...for all of us.
May I always be strong and courageous, be not afraid, and not become discouraged. May I always focus my heart firmly on the promise that LORD my God will be with me wherever I go and may that be all the control I ever need to have til the day I stand (rather fall on my face) before Him.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
God is moving...
One night long before we went to training, MY HUSBAND (the man who said we'd NEVER adopt...yeah...that one) prayed that God would soften our hearts toward His Complete Will, even if that meant adopting an older child.
I have to be completely honest. I dreamed of cloth diapering, wooden nesting blocks, making my own baby food, and enjoying all of the precious moments of infancy and toddler hood that autism robbed from my family. I wasn't exactly sure if I wanted to throw my arms around this man's neck or strangle him. He just opened THAT door...a door I had my foot lightly in front of...because...I wanted a baby.
Several weeks later during our 30 hour state training, that same man, MY HUSBAND (yes, still same the man who said we'd NEVER adopt) was whispering in my ear that he was thinking we needed to consider adopting kids aged 6-11. I nodded my head in agreement and at the same time picked my jaw up off the floor and figured maybe he was actually SERIOUS about this???
At one point during above mentioned training in reference to a sibling group, I literally blurted out: oh my goodness, please just give those precious babies to me?!?!?! The trainer held my gaze for a moment, but I had a million reasons (fears/arguments/etc) why we couldn't actually adopt those specific kiddos. The eldest child's age for one did not fit neatly into my Hero's 6-11 category...and a female???
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
I have learned: don't ask God to lead and then try to tell Him where that destination should be. And can I just tell you how beautiful it is to walk in obedience behind Him? All those fears that crippled us in the beginning have just melted away. I can barely breathe with how much love I have for children I have never met and know almost nothing about. It's so much like pregnancy...God starts them out as a tiny seed and they grow and grow and time, love, patience, and faith allows all that naturally follows to manifest into a beautiful relationship between parents and children. They are born of His love spilling into our lives and the overflow from all that He is beckons us to so much more than we could ever hope for or imagine for ourselves.
My prayer is that in time (note all the waiting I have been lamenting...it's a never ending wait...adoption pregnancies) we will be introducing the newest members of our family. I have no answers right now just faith, love, hope, a whole lot of thankfulness, and a stack of s-l-o-w-l-y learned patience.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Waiting
I'm knee deep in adoption books. Reading about the "trials" of adopting an older child leave my mind spinning. The OA and I looked at each other in the middle of our 30 hour training and literally thanked God for autism. I cannot imagine a better boot camp for laying aside all parental expectations and living each moment both good and bad to it's fullest knowing that life is but a series of moments and as fast as one comes on it is soon to be replaced with another.
Since OA and I have decided to adopt, I have stress fractured my foot causing me to be still for over 6 weeks and then to take things VERY slowly as I regain my foot's strength, and I am now under the influence of 3 prescriptions for a wicked kidney infection that has stalled all of my plans to ready my home while I continue to wait for news or at least a call saying our Home Study can be scheduled. I cannot decide if Satan is trying to bind that which God has planned for good OR if God is trying to bind my incessant need to know what's next and teach me once again to wait for His perfect timing.
And the series of moments continues.
How on earth do I sit still and wait patiently for children who have been waiting for only God knows how long to simply have a forever family??
With every second of the clock that ticks away, I feel like it's one more second that has gone by that I haven't been able to let them know that they are so loved and so desired and so being fought for (even if it is "only" on my knees through prayer). That they have a Dad, a Mom, a brother, and a sister who cannot wait to share their lives and that from this day forward they will never ever have to do this life and it's endless series of moments alone again. EVER.
I can't wait for them to build trust in us so that we can subsequently introduce them to their Real and Living Father...may they be able to see Him for who He really is...a God who promises GOOD even to THEM.
So with every single ticking moment I surrender all my hope, fear, frustrations, and impatience to He who also promises to restore all that the locusts have devoured. I know that my wait, the kind I can only do flat on my face, is not in vain because He is busy fighting the battles for our family.
How can my heart be so committed to something that it has never met or even knows about??
My only explanation is: FAITH. And my oh my have I learned so much about His Heart for His Children in this time of wait.
Sigh
Since OA and I have decided to adopt, I have stress fractured my foot causing me to be still for over 6 weeks and then to take things VERY slowly as I regain my foot's strength, and I am now under the influence of 3 prescriptions for a wicked kidney infection that has stalled all of my plans to ready my home while I continue to wait for news or at least a call saying our Home Study can be scheduled. I cannot decide if Satan is trying to bind that which God has planned for good OR if God is trying to bind my incessant need to know what's next and teach me once again to wait for His perfect timing.
And the series of moments continues.
How on earth do I sit still and wait patiently for children who have been waiting for only God knows how long to simply have a forever family??
With every second of the clock that ticks away, I feel like it's one more second that has gone by that I haven't been able to let them know that they are so loved and so desired and so being fought for (even if it is "only" on my knees through prayer). That they have a Dad, a Mom, a brother, and a sister who cannot wait to share their lives and that from this day forward they will never ever have to do this life and it's endless series of moments alone again. EVER.
I can't wait for them to build trust in us so that we can subsequently introduce them to their Real and Living Father...may they be able to see Him for who He really is...a God who promises GOOD even to THEM.
So with every single ticking moment I surrender all my hope, fear, frustrations, and impatience to He who also promises to restore all that the locusts have devoured. I know that my wait, the kind I can only do flat on my face, is not in vain because He is busy fighting the battles for our family.
How can my heart be so committed to something that it has never met or even knows about??
My only explanation is: FAITH. And my oh my have I learned so much about His Heart for His Children in this time of wait.
Sigh
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