glimpse

there are moments of good things...great things...that make you keep holding on...pressing forward...for more of those moments...this morning was one such moment...our friends were playing the worship set at church...they played Michael W. Smith's Let It Rain's opening...

when we miscarried...my mom was actually a bit concerned because i was "handling it all too well"...(clearly very little time around me reflects that i am on the emotional end of the spectrum)...i was sad...disappointed...but strong...until i got in my car...something about my car is cathartic for me...always has been...long drives are the best alone time with yourself and with God...anyhow...i would listen to that song...and cry...huge...unrelenting...God-why-me...tears...

so hearing that song when my life is blessed with two of the most beautiful children i have ever laid my eyes on...with a husband, equally beautiful and strong, worshipping beside me...i was overwhelmed with thankfulness...my mind stilled...my heart quieted...my eyes saw nothing...but Him...for a moment...just a brief moment...i got a glimpse of His goodness...a real glimpse of Him...and as soon as my mind realized that this is the intimacy i have been struggling for...SNAP...i lost focus...lost my glimpse...but it was beautiful...

my life...sigh...so amazingly...incredibly...unbelievably blessed...deeper sigh...there were moments...years ago...in my car...late at night...i would scream and beat my fits in anger...i just knew i would be alone the rest of my life...throwing my heart carelessly at those who always threw it back...broken...used...hardended...sometimes i worry that there's not as much of my heart to give to the OA...because i gave so much of it away in the past...but then i have these moments...and today i can't remember the pain...can't remember the anger...can't fathom the loneliness...i truly have more than i ever dreamed of for myself...

this morning...my glimpse...intimacy with Him...it's not so scary...leaves me wanting more...and then...it rained all day...