should be sleeping

i should be sleeping but isn't this time of night when all the good little biomedical mommies get their work done?

i am angry...extremely angry...

i went to a parent's workshop for how to deal with meltdowns for kiddos on the spectrum. i sat beside a fellow mother whom is becoming one of my most treasured friends...we listened to a very informative presentation...i learned much...will post about that later...

but what struck me was the bitterness in the room. so many of us are going at this whole "autism" life differently. i noticed that defenses are at an all time high all the time. there were so many questions. so many answers. so many stories. too many children stuck in their own worlds.

i cannot even give this topic just words. i am crying. i am angry. not for jaden..he will be ok...regardless of how far our "recovery" takes us...he's already changed my life and brought so many amazing families into my life...but for the parents who have no hope. for the parents who listen to the "experts". for the parents who sit around and bitterly shake their heads in defeat...

i am mostly angry that every day some innocent baby is held down by their trusting parent:
it'll be ok...just one more prick...i promise...mommy is here...everything will be ok...i would whisper into his ear as i choked back my own tears...

i still see jaden's eyes...he hated his shots...hated them...screamed so long i would have to stay and nurse him before we could even check out...why didn't i trust my instinct? why didn't i heed God's yellow flag????

and then the foods we give our children...and the medicine...we are breeding autism, asthma, allergies, and adhd...my God...what have we done in the name of science?

i am so angry. why won't new mommy's listen...think outside the freaking box...

SSSSSCCCCRRRRREEEEEEEEAAAAAAMMMMMMM

wish i could say this post was cathartic...that i feel better now...but it wasn't, and i still feel angry.

i am a mother to a son on the autistic spectrum. comfort only comes from Him. as does retribution...i wonder how God feels about all this? i trust that He is righteously angry...sigh...that gives me comfort...for the moment.