grumble, grumble, gulp

if the words PMS or hormones offend you...dear reader...you may opt out of reading this entry...if you can hang with me...i promise to attempt to present a nice and neat hormone-free "moral of the story"...but it just can't be delivered without reference to PMS...

now...to the part about the grumbling...hmmm...so i am guessing many of my readers are female...as we seem to be the ones most interested in reading about other's days, thoughts, feelings, what have you...well...dear females...only you can relate to that hormonal explosion that makes every bra feel too tight...or too loose...or certain that men are the ones who started the whole bra thing anyway because they can't control themselves not to look at a perky...or less than perky sets of...well...one gets the picture.

the last few days have been full of me having to take my bra off while driving home in the heat, because i just couldn't stand ONE MORE FREAKING MINUTE OF THAT FEELING...regaining-composurish-sigh...needless to say on top of this hormone havoc i have become sick...it gets better...now the jay-man is sick...scary trip to the immediate care because his temp hit 104.8 while i was at work and had to get "the phone call"...sick...the car i've been driving doesn't have AC so while melting, and pms-ing, and being sick, and now rushing to the side of my sick baby boy....i begin to start the pity party dance in my head. i'm sticky (from the heat), unfocused, and miserable.

grumble...the weeks leading up to this past week have included many meetings that i have to do by myself as the OA is either working or caring for the kiddos...ladies...not sure if you're with me on this but even though my heart knows my husband is totally amazing...my head is constantly whispering: doesn't he realize that even though i don't get paid for this &%*$ i am still working...i don't get time away from the kids...i'm exhausted...he better not even THINK about getting some (you know...back rubs...dirty minds!) tonight...etc...etc...etc...

i have come home to a clean house, finished laundry, grocery shopping (hmmm...we'll call man-shopping grocery shopping this once for sake of appreciation!), a mowed yard...my goodness...i think he's even watered my garden a few times...how on earth can i still grumble...when i read through the Bible one year...i was so amazed that the Israelites kept taking God's faithfulness for granted...what is my problem...?

my problem is expectations...for a week...OA has had expectations of how much i would appreciate his extra help...i have fought that appreciation...because in my mind i think: well...now you know how it feels to be a woman...pretty damn exhausting isn't it!!?? now add some research and meetings with professionals...and see how sexy you feel at the end of the night...and then there's my expectations...i have expected the OA to breathlessly await my phone call after every meeting...dying to know what every detail was discussed...and then...i have expected him to be able to tell me what's the best choice for our kiddo...sigh...

my dear husband deserves an award...as he walked out the door today he casually said...(after a fierce game of chutes and ladders...fierce b/c he politely asked me to "kill the negative energy for just one day"...please...what...the nerve...and then i kept LOSING...landing on all the freaking chutes...dear Lord...i can't even catch a break in a kid's game...again the negative self-talk)...oh...he casually said...you haven't read my blog in a few days...have you?

oh well in all my spare ti....GULP...yep...one more slap in the face from my dearest Father in Heaven. OA does get it...he does see all i do...he can articulate (without my feeding him information in the background) issues with our son...actually...the things he articulated...i have begun to take for granted as i have gotten so wrapped up in "making the right decision" and "researching biomedical treatments"...

marriage is hard...parenting is harder...keeping a good marriage while parenting is the hardest. as women, the bitterness bug bites alot harder...and praying is great, listening to worship songs is great, reading my Bible is great...applying all the things He teaches me...hmmm...a bit more difficult...i honestly wonder how much of life i have missed out on by losing myself to worry...and grumbling?

these last few months have been very tough financially...but God always gets us through...it's taken alot more sacrifice on OA and my part...today, i had to choose between jay-bob's ketchup or milk to make my lattes...sad part...i haven't gone to the store because i don't trust myself to make the right decision HA! but his shots are sitting nicely in their brown protective bag in the refrigerator...times are tough...but my God is tougher...biomedical treatments aren't cheap but every time we run out of something...we loose a piece of our progress with our son...therefore...we can't afford to stop.

my daughter was outside playing in the mud today...she played for an hour...dug her trenches...dogs digging with her...she scooped the water into her hard dug-bowl of dirt...stirred the mud and then just started plopping it everywhere...breathless...happy...content...

jay-bob loved watching her: teach me mewrci...teach me...

sigh...do they even care that we don't have a wii or a nintendo ds yet? do they really notice that we've been to the stores less on our days off, instead being forced to stay home and watch old movies and play board games together? my most favorite memories from childhood were when my mom would have us dig through the couch cushions for change...once we found 300 pennies...we, my brother, my mom and myself...would go to the $1 movie...i cherish those days...days of carrying tube socks full of coins...days of hearing my mom crying in her room...instinctively i knew it was about money...i would bring her my tube sock thinking somehow it would be enough to make it all ok...

sigh...one grateful post from my honest OA...all led to breathing again. if only other wives, especially the ones of special needs kiddos, could be so blessed. thank you, my homey! once again...you are the better half!