most things in life i learned in...marathon training.

so today i had a long run. 12.56 miles to be exact...and when it is 90 degrees out by 6 am...one counts every single tenth of a mile!

last week we had to cut our 10 miler short to 9 because i was struggling so badly. it was an awful run. granted 4.5 were straight uphill...but still...it nearly brought me to tears. one bad run can haunt you...it amazes me how mentally...one awful run can negate all the other good runs.

so today i was very nervous. i hydrated for several days, took some b12 and iron supplements (both deplete with high mileage AND i am following vegan diet), and said some serious prayers.

at 4:30 my coffee pot started brewing dunkin' donuts hazelnut coffee...the smell alone makes me want to get out of bed...not to mention the silk dark chocolate almond milk that dances so smoothly with my insanely delicious coffee. my clothes were all laid out...i even had time to check my email. i couldn't bring myself to eat...iron pill or nerves...not sure...but not eating with a 12 miler on the horizon tends to make me nervous...so i grabbed a lara bar and a banana and headed out the door.

it is funny...the artillery required when training for a marathon...gone are the days of shoes, shorts, and shirt...today i had: hydration belt, extra hand-held water bottle, music, cliff shots, banana, water for afterward, towel for afterward, etc.

anyhow...i realized something today. last week's run...the bad one...i tried to do it all alone. i hung back from my running partners, listened to my music, prayed, suffered, hung back more trying to spare them my horrible negative energy, and suffered more. there are no words for that bad of a run. today...i stuck with my running partners. we prayed together. we carried eachother's burdens...each sharing some concerns, some blessings, some heartache, and some hope. when it got really tough...we prayed together again. today i learned that while God does call us to Him...and we can do it with Him alone...He blesses us with eachother...the body...and there is considerably less suffering when we just reach out and let others reach back...not hide our negative energy rather let those who love us...when we are easy and when we are difficult...help us along.

i see this everyday in the absolute blessings i have been given in my friends. but today...i really got it...it really sunk in.

and to top it all off...upon arriving home...my precious son...ran up and hugged me...wiped the sweat from my shirt off of his cheek...and asked me: how was your run, mom??

sigh...there are no words for that moment of thankfulness...according to the "definitions" he should be incapable of doing that...how blessed am i that he defines himself...not his diagnosis!

with tears in my eyes: awesome darling...awesome! and hey, j-bob, thanks for asking.

I love you, Charlotte Mason!!

Wow!! My second year of home schooling is upon us! I cannot believe how quickly the time has passed. Even more, I cannot believe the vast differences in my life brought about by home schooling. Yesterday public school teacher assignments came in. It was hard for me this year, because most likely Mermaid would have received J-Bob's angel of a teacher from his kindergarten year. Mermaid and I vacillated back and forth over whether she would in fact attend kindergarten this year. I knew she'd have an excellent teacher, and I hated the idea of robbing her from a kindergarten experience. To our surprise, OA put his foot down (see above statement about vast differences!!). In hindsight, I am so thankful. Mermaid isn't being robbed of anything. In fact, she had one of the most amazing early kindergarten experiences last year, and in an effort to not encourage her growing up too quickly, I am going to do a more focused gifted kindergarten again this year (she is so smart that we did a type of K last year just to keep her brain occupied).

Anyhow...all of this to lead up to this...some Charlotte Mason quotes on habit training. THIS ladies and gentlemen is why I home school. These values, ideals are the very reason my life home schooling is so much easier (almost hate to use that word...but let's face it...it is the truth) than my life before!

"The mother who takes pains to endow her children with good habits secures for herself smooth and easy days."

"The habits of the child produce the character of the man."

"Every day, every hour the parents are either passively or actively forming those habits in their children upon which, more than upon anything else, future character or conduct depend."

If you are interested in learning more check out Simply Charlotte Mason. They offer all kinds of free e-books! They just released a new one today!

let the storms roll in...

the mood outside is befitting the mood of my heart...it is an oddly bright morning with rolling thunder and a steady soft rain. it has the makings of a terrible storm, yet it seems promising...as if God is simply crying with me...holding my hand...washing my sadness away with His tender Love.

i had a dream...nightmare...of my childhood/adolescent monster. a monster that will apparently hide forever in my subconscious closet. this dream last night was different...it included my present...my OA...my beloved. it is unexplainable how utterly shocked i was to find the one whom i feel the safest with pitted against the one whom terrified me for so many years. i immediately went into protection mode...i didn't beg my monster to not hurt me...i begged my OA to walk away...not get involved...brush it off...please don't engage him...please don't hurt him...

i was begging OA not to hurt the monster.

somehow...this very small person is tied to such intense fear...that i assumed he could somehow find a way to hurt my OA and take him from me forever.

it's raining harder now.

my eyes are only half filled with tears...they are closed...i am listening to God wash away my fear. i am slowing my breathing...breathing Him in.

a big boom of rolling thunder.

i feel safe. i am in my own home. i am far removed from my monster. my children will never experience that kind of fear. i am so humbled by my life...where i am...what i have...what i have escaped.

still harder the rain comes.

and now the tears.

may my OA never come to rescue me in my dreams again...may i never have to see the two together...ever. may my dreams forever be protected from allowing my children to be brought into my nightmares. dear God...this is my desire...my humble begging request.

thank You for the rain.

i actually feel more sadness for my monster than i do for myself...i can only imagine what nightmares plague a man responsible for so much pain. i hear he is different now. may God rescue him from his regrets...his sins...thank You Lord for taking us ALL just as we are...newly made in You.

let it rain...open the floodgates of heaven...and let it rain.

just in case you were wondering:

• almond milk, agave nectar, and coffee have to be the welcoming drink at Heaven's gates...

• even meat eaters should only get about 7 to 9 oz of their protein from actual meat...

• kids enjoy cleaning with their mama...beside them enjoying it, too...and music makes it even more fun!

• i have a big pot of assorted soup beans simmering on the stove...makes me feel like a "real grown up"...

• on my night stand right now: scandalous freedom (highly recommend this book...not for the faint of heart...i'd say it's very much for those who struggle with legalism...but it's just as much for those who struggle with legalists), nutrition book for class, marathon book, running and fitness book, stitch 'n bitch (i have been dying for this book and the library finally had it on the shelf...it's a fun approach to knitting), and 101 designer one skein wonders (because when you are poor...you must learn to do more with less...one skein for the non-knitting readers...is basically one ball of yarn), oh and of course the ever present Charlotte Mason Companion (this is an amazing book for anyone who home schools...but especially for those of us doing the CM method).

• we dab lavender essential oil under mermaid's nose to calm her and to help her "nose work"...it's one of the first things she asks for in the morning and last thing she requests at night.

• i am shamefully addicted to spin class...i think about it way more than any normal person should...but we all know...i am far from normal!!

stop my beating heart

so today has been a whirl wind of emotions. bottom line: i hate money. money hates me. my son wants to get married to his cousin.

as i was driving and totally lost in thought i heard from the back seat:

mermaid: mama...j-bob just KISSED e-mo on the LIPS

(his precious sweaty face popped up between the front car seats wide-eyed-smiling)

j-bob: don't get me in trouble mama ((translation...don't be mad at me))

me: wait...what just happened? j...you kissed her on the lips...on purpose? like...you asked her to kiss you...you know we only kiss our friends and family on the cheek...right? were you kissing her like you would mermaid or me? because...you really should probably only kiss us on the cheek now, too ((translation...your sweet innocence could be misinterpreted by strangers))

j-bob: i was kissing her because i love her...like my sister...except...i love her like i wanna marry her

me: ((WHERE DID THIS COME FROM)) ((STUPID BARBIE MOVIES)) ((SHE BETTER SAY YES OR I'LL KICK HER OUT OF MY CAR)) ((WHY CAN'T HE STOP GROWING UP)) well...honey...let's just keep our kisses on the cheek from now on, ok?

mermaid: well, she can't marry you bc she is already gonna marry some other boy from school

e-mo: well, he said i had to be cat-woman or he wouldn't marry me and i don't like cat woman...i like super girl...i'll never be cat-woman...so maybe i won't marry him after all

me: ((ummm...did i time warp...these children are still 5, 5, and 7...right????))

j-bob: well...(undeniably most adorable and thoughtful grin spreading across his face)...i'll never ask you to be cat-woman...all i want you to be is a mom.

mermaid: well...j-bob...you cannot marry me OR e-mo...right, mom?

me: (looking in rear-view mirror at his sad face) well, technically not you because you are his sister...but...TECHNICALLY...yes...e-mo...because you guys are cousin by law...not blood...and the law is mostly concerned with blood...omg...why are we discussing this...you guys have at least 20 years of praying...and i promise...maybe then...you'll know who you are supposed to marry if you marry at all.

kids continue to discuss how super girl is so much better than cat-woman...and the boy from school is just plain wrong.

i return to my thoughts except this time instead of being irrepressibly stressed about money...i am lingering on the deep desire in my son's heart already. as long as i can remember j-bob has responded to the life-long question of "what do you want to be when you grow up" with: a dad. well...now this sweet sweet child not only wants to be a dad...he wants to MARRY a MOM. sigh. he wants a family. that's his dream. it warms my heart. so very few people prioritize that, especially as boys or men. his future wife...whomever she is...i think will be one of the most immensely blessed women. of course, i am partial. and proud. not pridefully proud...rather...hurt-my-heart-the-good-way-thankful-to-God-pride.

so...life...keep throwing your crap...keep trying to make me doubt my calling...to be a stay-at-home-home-schooling-mom. God likes the financial odds of living as a one-income family in today's world: impossible. i prefer those odds, too...because it's one of the few times i step out of the way realizing that other than being faithful with what's given...there's very little else that i can do.

i listen to the sweet girls playing dolls...and my sweet boy playing his DS...he's already over the whole marriage thing...back to girls being weird because they play "gurl stuff". back to me being the love of his precious little heart. i don't know how i'm gonna take it...the day some lucky girl walks away with my boy's heart in her hands...sigh. until then.