let the storms roll in...

the mood outside is befitting the mood of my heart...it is an oddly bright morning with rolling thunder and a steady soft rain. it has the makings of a terrible storm, yet it seems promising...as if God is simply crying with me...holding my hand...washing my sadness away with His tender Love.

i had a dream...nightmare...of my childhood/adolescent monster. a monster that will apparently hide forever in my subconscious closet. this dream last night was different...it included my present...my OA...my beloved. it is unexplainable how utterly shocked i was to find the one whom i feel the safest with pitted against the one whom terrified me for so many years. i immediately went into protection mode...i didn't beg my monster to not hurt me...i begged my OA to walk away...not get involved...brush it off...please don't engage him...please don't hurt him...

i was begging OA not to hurt the monster.

somehow...this very small person is tied to such intense fear...that i assumed he could somehow find a way to hurt my OA and take him from me forever.

it's raining harder now.

my eyes are only half filled with tears...they are closed...i am listening to God wash away my fear. i am slowing my breathing...breathing Him in.

a big boom of rolling thunder.

i feel safe. i am in my own home. i am far removed from my monster. my children will never experience that kind of fear. i am so humbled by my life...where i am...what i have...what i have escaped.

still harder the rain comes.

and now the tears.

may my OA never come to rescue me in my dreams again...may i never have to see the two together...ever. may my dreams forever be protected from allowing my children to be brought into my nightmares. dear God...this is my desire...my humble begging request.

thank You for the rain.

i actually feel more sadness for my monster than i do for myself...i can only imagine what nightmares plague a man responsible for so much pain. i hear he is different now. may God rescue him from his regrets...his sins...thank You Lord for taking us ALL just as we are...newly made in You.

let it rain...open the floodgates of heaven...and let it rain.

just in case you were wondering:

• almond milk, agave nectar, and coffee have to be the welcoming drink at Heaven's gates...

• even meat eaters should only get about 7 to 9 oz of their protein from actual meat...

• kids enjoy cleaning with their mama...beside them enjoying it, too...and music makes it even more fun!

• i have a big pot of assorted soup beans simmering on the stove...makes me feel like a "real grown up"...

• on my night stand right now: scandalous freedom (highly recommend this book...not for the faint of heart...i'd say it's very much for those who struggle with legalism...but it's just as much for those who struggle with legalists), nutrition book for class, marathon book, running and fitness book, stitch 'n bitch (i have been dying for this book and the library finally had it on the shelf...it's a fun approach to knitting), and 101 designer one skein wonders (because when you are poor...you must learn to do more with less...one skein for the non-knitting readers...is basically one ball of yarn), oh and of course the ever present Charlotte Mason Companion (this is an amazing book for anyone who home schools...but especially for those of us doing the CM method).

• we dab lavender essential oil under mermaid's nose to calm her and to help her "nose work"...it's one of the first things she asks for in the morning and last thing she requests at night.

• i am shamefully addicted to spin class...i think about it way more than any normal person should...but we all know...i am far from normal!!

stop my beating heart

so today has been a whirl wind of emotions. bottom line: i hate money. money hates me. my son wants to get married to his cousin.

as i was driving and totally lost in thought i heard from the back seat:

mermaid: mama...j-bob just KISSED e-mo on the LIPS

(his precious sweaty face popped up between the front car seats wide-eyed-smiling)

j-bob: don't get me in trouble mama ((translation...don't be mad at me))

me: wait...what just happened? j...you kissed her on the lips...on purpose? like...you asked her to kiss you...you know we only kiss our friends and family on the cheek...right? were you kissing her like you would mermaid or me? because...you really should probably only kiss us on the cheek now, too ((translation...your sweet innocence could be misinterpreted by strangers))

j-bob: i was kissing her because i love her...like my sister...except...i love her like i wanna marry her

me: ((WHERE DID THIS COME FROM)) ((STUPID BARBIE MOVIES)) ((SHE BETTER SAY YES OR I'LL KICK HER OUT OF MY CAR)) ((WHY CAN'T HE STOP GROWING UP)) well...honey...let's just keep our kisses on the cheek from now on, ok?

mermaid: well, she can't marry you bc she is already gonna marry some other boy from school

e-mo: well, he said i had to be cat-woman or he wouldn't marry me and i don't like cat woman...i like super girl...i'll never be cat-woman...so maybe i won't marry him after all

me: ((ummm...did i time warp...these children are still 5, 5, and 7...right????))

j-bob: well...(undeniably most adorable and thoughtful grin spreading across his face)...i'll never ask you to be cat-woman...all i want you to be is a mom.

mermaid: well...j-bob...you cannot marry me OR e-mo...right, mom?

me: (looking in rear-view mirror at his sad face) well, technically not you because you are his sister...but...TECHNICALLY...yes...e-mo...because you guys are cousin by law...not blood...and the law is mostly concerned with blood...omg...why are we discussing this...you guys have at least 20 years of praying...and i promise...maybe then...you'll know who you are supposed to marry if you marry at all.

kids continue to discuss how super girl is so much better than cat-woman...and the boy from school is just plain wrong.

i return to my thoughts except this time instead of being irrepressibly stressed about money...i am lingering on the deep desire in my son's heart already. as long as i can remember j-bob has responded to the life-long question of "what do you want to be when you grow up" with: a dad. well...now this sweet sweet child not only wants to be a dad...he wants to MARRY a MOM. sigh. he wants a family. that's his dream. it warms my heart. so very few people prioritize that, especially as boys or men. his future wife...whomever she is...i think will be one of the most immensely blessed women. of course, i am partial. and proud. not pridefully proud...rather...hurt-my-heart-the-good-way-thankful-to-God-pride.

so...life...keep throwing your crap...keep trying to make me doubt my calling...to be a stay-at-home-home-schooling-mom. God likes the financial odds of living as a one-income family in today's world: impossible. i prefer those odds, too...because it's one of the few times i step out of the way realizing that other than being faithful with what's given...there's very little else that i can do.

i listen to the sweet girls playing dolls...and my sweet boy playing his DS...he's already over the whole marriage thing...back to girls being weird because they play "gurl stuff". back to me being the love of his precious little heart. i don't know how i'm gonna take it...the day some lucky girl walks away with my boy's heart in her hands...sigh. until then.

5 things

Well...this is some homework given by an amazing friend/sister when I was having a rather down day and a bit sick of all life's trials:

Find 5 things to thank God for that i wouldn't normally experience if it weren't for where i am right now...i chose autism.

1. Without autism...I would have most likely never discovered my incredible passion for running...which has revealed a strength and fortitude I did not realize I possessed.

2. Without autism...I would have never fully understood the power of food and chemicals to the human body.

3. Thanks to autism I see people differently...I use sensory goggles...I try to never take for granted those who struggle with social awkwardness.

4. Thanks to autism...I have learned to give up MY plans...learned to (mostly) rest in today's beauty...today's blessings...today's trials. I have learned to trust in a God who loves my child even more than I...and will always be with him...even when I cannot.

5. Autism has brought me into another world...a world of incredible children who have captured my heart...a world of like-minded moms fighting for the same thing...the life and mind of our babies...our boys and girls...our future men and women...moms who have turned out to be the most incredible friends that I could ever ask for. A world in which my non-conforming soul can soar...as my children are so out-side-the-box...it almost hurts...but in a mostly good way. A world that has brought my husband and I closer to each other than we ever dreamed.

Big sigh...I am feeling thankful. It has been a week's time since my emotional breakdown...what I needed most was to crawl in my Father's lap...and by His grace and mercy...He provided just such opportunity. May you all find joys in your trials...I cannot remember who I was before the diagnosis...and wouldn't trade places with her for all the money in the world.

Just for over achievement....

6. I am most thankful for the amazing-precious-most-innocent-minded-young-man who has captivated me with his life from day one...may I continue to learn love, sincerity, and joy from my sweet sweet son.

summer goals

In no particular order and this is so much more for me than anyone else (I have started this list seven different times on various scrap pieces of paper) I am posting my summer goals.

• Table manners
• Kids in the kitchen-kids help me prepare dinner every night
• daily exercise as a family
• family movie night
• one craft activity every afternoon with kiddos
• create a boredom busters jar
• continue with one hour of "school" each day
• tend to garden...learn to can!!
  
• J-Bob's food goals (eat seven new foods regularly by the end of summer)
• kids sleeping in their own beds through the night (yes they are seven and five...besides beyond picky eating this has been autism's biggest weapon against our family)
• stop using paper towels (use cloth napkins for hands and old rags and unmatched socks for cleaning)
• start making my own cleaning agents
• regularly scheduling date/prayer night with OA (weekly)
  
• post pictures of my creations before summer is OVER...hahaha...yeah right...no really...I want to show off...I must do this!
• finish kiddo's school planning for next year
• begin marathon training (build up to 30 miles a week)
  

It seems like I am forgetting some, but it feels so good to post this as it is accountability for me. I really cannot wait to start crossing those puppies off!

And as a side note, OA has given me 30 days of being GFCF. He is one week into it and ALREADY seeing positive results; most noticeably the little tiny bumps on his arm are disappearing. I cannot wait for the end of the month to do the challenge test. I am actually worried that his reaction might be quite severe.

I have had to add meat back into my diet...actually...I don't HAVE to do anything BUT...for the first time in seven years my entire family is eating the same way. Last night I had so much fun cooking one big dinner...gone are the days of separate meals. I have the rest of my life to be a vegan...for now...I am simply enjoying the fellowship of sharing a like-plated meal with my darling little family.